Another year without you.....

And October has happened upon us once again. Just a reminder that its another year without you. Every night, as I lay down and close my eyes, I see you before me. I reach for you and yet you slip away yet again. I can't help but feel as though I failed you, as though I should have tried harder to hold onto you. Yet...I let you slip away. Even now, as the years slip by, and I see reminders of you in my daily life...I can't help but wonder what you would look like now. Would you have my red hair? My eyes? Would you be full of fire and spirit? There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't blame myself, that I don't wish you were here with me...in my arms, where you belong. I long for the chance to stroke your hair and to hear you say "I love you Mama". What hurts the most, is being so close to you, having so much to say, and never knowing what could have been for you, for me. I still find it hard to deal with the pain of losing you Elizabethe-Ane. If I could do it all over, I'd find a way to save you, to give you the chance to be here with me. I will never know what could have been, but I can say that I know what its like to always love you, to always carry you in my heart with me, everywhere I go. I see a new mother and her newborn baby girl, and I see you...and me. This year, you would have been 14 years old. A teenager. Looking at your big sister Cheyenne, I know that you would have been just as beautiful as she is. I find some comfort in knowing that you and her would have been close. I will always love you Elizabethe-Ane....please know that I tried so hard to save you, that I gave all that I could. You will ALWAYS be in my mind, my heart...my soul. Mama misses you so much.

I'll always love you babygirl,
Desarei, mama