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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Autumn is here

Autumn is on the way....and I love this time of year.

-to be continued-

Monday, October 13, 2008

One Moment.....

One moment.....

That's all it takes for your entire life to change. Everything you knew was suddenly rendered useless. In one moment my entire world came to a sudden halt. It spiraled right before my eyes. I stood there, shell shocked and unable to utter a single word for some time. I wasn't sure if I was understanding this woman quite right. She struck me as a heartless bitch to be opinion of her right now at this moment, will remain unspoken.
All I know is my entire world has come to a crashing and screeching halt for the time being. Maybe in time things will calm down....I just know that I am angry. Not depressed, not sad, angry and HURT. This woman says I am can she not tell the difference between stressed and depressed? I am beyond STRESSED, but in no way am I depressed. I have no reason to dwell and be depressed. That would serve absolutely no purpose in my life. I have better things to do than sit and be miserable. It really amazes me that others want nothing more than to bring you down with them when they are miserable themselves. I don't know what caused this person to turn on me, I'm not entirely sure I WANT to know. Especially given I don't know this person well enough at all. It all just blows my mind in reality. I mind my own business, tend to my family, my life and yet I get tossed into the middle of something I had no desire to be in. What the hell? Well I will update more on the "situation" later.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Another day...year...and tear

Another day...another year. Every moment has been counted and documented in my mind. Every second locked up in my heart, in that special place that only you will ever hold the key to. Anger, sorrow, tears, broken, emptiness but yet a smile creeps in at times, a smile that comes with the knowledge that you are watching over me, protecting that special place within me.

Every image I have of you in my mind, I treasure and cherish even more each time I go thru them. Thoughts that consume me at times, give me solace that I briefly, for a moment.... held an angel. I can't deny that it hurts, because it does...greatly. No mother should ever have to feel the pain that I do every year in October. Its a pain that is beyond imaginable for those who have never had to let go of their child. They try to understand, but can't quite do so. I would and could never wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Its crushing. At times it makes you feel like you can't breathe. Everyone told me that as time slipped on, that the pain would lessen, that I'd be able to accept the fact that you were gone. How very wrong they were. That pain....never lessened. Its still as strong today as it was that fateful day that I lost you.

Sometimes, I sit in the darkness, alone...and think about you. I think about everything that should have been. I think about what it would have been like to watch you take your first steps, hear you say Mama, watch you dry your tears when you were hurt....But I will never know because you were taken from me and given wings to fly....before I ever got the chance to see any of it.

I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I loved you the moment you slipped away and passed on. Not many can say they have seen an angel...but I can say.....I held one briefly. And I cherish each moment I had with you.

Fourteen long years will have passed since you died, come October 24th. Fourteen years without my little girl, fourteen years without being able to see you, hold you, comfort you. In those fourteen years, I have thought of you daily, wished that you were here...daily. In those fourteen years I have learned fourteen things about myself that center around losing you.
1- I learned to forgive.
2- I learned to live.
3- I learned what passion was.
4- I learned what it was like to lose something so precious.
5- I learned to give all that I have when I do things.
6- I learned to GIVE chances.
7- I learned to TAKE chances.
8. I learned to let go of certain things.
9- I learned what makes me stronger.
10- I learned to help others.
11- I learned to accept others.
12- I learned that not everything is in our control.
13- I learned that life can often times be cruel.
and the biggest lesson I learned.....
14- I learned that when we learn to love another, so completely, without abandon, no fear, for who they are, not what or who we want them to be....That we can get thru anything in life. That it makes us a better person. I learned to not be selfish and condemming of others. I learned that no matter what others think of me, that its what I think of myself that matters the most. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can expect others to forgive us. We have to learn to LOVE ourselves before we can even begin to expect someone else to love us for WHO and WHAT we are. There are things in life that we have no control over and nothing we do will change that. I learned that while we may not agree with it, nor want to accept it, its just how fate works, its just how it is.

I will go thru my life with my angel in my heart. I will always remember the brief moments I held you, however brief they left footprints in my heart that will never fade.

I love you Elizabethe-Ane Maree....and remember that mama has never let others forget who you are and who you were to ME.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Another year without you.....

And October has happened upon us once again. Just a reminder that its another year without you. Every night, as I lay down and close my eyes, I see you before me. I reach for you and yet you slip away yet again. I can't help but feel as though I failed you, as though I should have tried harder to hold onto you. Yet...I let you slip away. Even now, as the years slip by, and I see reminders of you in my daily life...I can't help but wonder what you would look like now. Would you have my red hair? My eyes? Would you be full of fire and spirit? There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't blame myself, that I don't wish you were here with my arms, where you belong. I long for the chance to stroke your hair and to hear you say "I love you Mama". What hurts the most, is being so close to you, having so much to say, and never knowing what could have been for you, for me. I still find it hard to deal with the pain of losing you Elizabethe-Ane. If I could do it all over, I'd find a way to save you, to give you the chance to be here with me. I will never know what could have been, but I can say that I know what its like to always love you, to always carry you in my heart with me, everywhere I go. I see a new mother and her newborn baby girl, and I see you...and me. This year, you would have been 14 years old. A teenager. Looking at your big sister Cheyenne, I know that you would have been just as beautiful as she is. I find some comfort in knowing that you and her would have been close. I will always love you Elizabethe-Ane....please know that I tried so hard to save you, that I gave all that I could. You will ALWAYS be in my mind, my soul. Mama misses you so much.

I'll always love you babygirl,
Desarei, mama

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


So I was in a conference chat with my twin sis, my best friend and another dear friend....normally they can't get me to stay for more than 5 mins...but tonight we have been at it for over 2 hours...ALERT THE MEDIA!!!! LOL

Sunday, September 28, 2008

A day at the park

I spent the day at the park with my family today. It was definitely a wonderful time. The kids played and chased the ducks, the dogs went crazy over the ducks and squirrels. Elle even decided to give Chy a scare and dive into the water. She soon discovered that there was no way the ducks were going to let her catch them and soon turned tail and swam back to shore, sputtering and coughing up water. Poor dog, she sat and shivered for a good hour afterwards lol. Maybe that will teach her a lesson. If you want to see some of the photography I managed to capture while there, head over to my myspace page for my business,
I think I might herd everyone back to the park tomorrow for some more pictures. I really enjoyed our mini photo shoot.

Warmest Thoughts,

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Dragon Moon

As you know I write. Currently I am co-authoring a book with someone. Below you will find an excerpt from that book. Let us know what you think so far.

Dragon Moon-
Prelude - "And so the dream was revealed"
The storm had moved in, changing thier world to the dark and wet place it was on this night. The moon hovered in the night sky, luminescent and lighting up the ground below it. The mist had started to settle its way in on every portion of plant life, gracing the ground and its structures with a thin veil of protection...but from what was it protection?

Kaelen slowly paced the floor as each pain came in waves, her hair slick with moisture from concentrating. Her mind struggled to stay focused as another flash of lightening streaked thru the sky, followed by a distant rumble of the thunder that chased after it like a panther would her prey. Looking up, she caught Aeryn staring at her, as if he was trying to figure out what was distracting her when it was obvious enough. It warmed her to see him still look at her with such great desire and love still. She had thought that as time wore on, his love for her would dwindle, or that the fire would one day die out.

A smile tugged at her lips as she thought of the first time he had captured her heart. She had been but a young girl at that point. Kaelen could remember how he looked, how he moved so gracefully within the shadows of the flame. She moved closer to the window that graced the wall beside the bed. She stood and watched yet another chase take place in the sky, watched as the lightening streaked its way thru, fingers reaching and branching out as its tormentor followed suit...rumbling its demand to its prey. Eventually the thunder would catch up to its prey and the lightening would give in. The chase had always captured her attention, as it reminded her of life and how you make your way thru it, your demons and tormentors chasing after you....or in her case, Aeryn chasing after her. She stopped running one day, let him catch her and gave in to what she felt. She finally felt complete, like the missing piece to the puzzle had finally fallen into place for her. And they were expecting a child. A child that seemed to revel in giving her mother every test she could think of during the pregnancy.

As Kaelen watched another chase take place, a wave of pain crashed over her. Her hands gripped the window frame, her body bending to the pain this time. Aeryn moved to her side, his arms wrapping around her waist, guiding her to the bed. Never had he seen Kaelen show fear before, but as he looked into her eyes, he saw an unmistakable fear within them. Seeing fear in her eyes un-nerved him. She looked at him, "It's time, our child is eager to be born on this night."

Aeryn lit another candle to provide some more light and comfort. Shadows danced on the walls, casting a blanket of darkness on everything they touched. He watched as Kaelen arched her back in pain, his attention snapping back towards her legs as he saw a head emerge between them. Reaching down, he touched the black hair that graced the child's head as it emerged. It was like touching the silken threads of a spiders web, so soft and wispy under his fingers. Gently he cradled the head so he could guide the child's body thru the rest of the birth. He lifted the child and wrapped her in a soft blanket, It's a girl Kaelen, a girl! Aerolia....Aerolia Kataeri. Kaelen and Aeryn looked over thier daughter, counting all her fingers and toes. Adorning her right hand however was a deep red birthmark. It covered the entire back of her hand and her palm, like a perfectly fit glove. Thier eyes locked and they knew then that Aerolia was blessed.

As Aeryn held her in his hands, the flames of the candles danced fiercely; casting thier shadows on the dark tapestry that hung on the wall. As the shadows danced, they took shape, changed, blending gracefully. Aerolia let out her first cry, a cry that turned to a deep roar as the shadows shifted shapes. To any onlooker that would have been watching thru the window, they would have seen the shadows shift as the child took on her true form. As she shifted to a tiny red dragonling in her father's hands....

And so Soulhaunter was born, her birth a night to remember in centuries to come.

Across the lands from Remera, another event was taking place at the moment of Aerolia's birth. One that would later prove to be intertwinned with Aerolia's life. A Deep blue egg sat in a straw nest, casting a soft glow on the walls of the cave that protected it. The blue shadows dancing with the red ones cast by the amulet that laid in the straw next to the egg. The egg cracked and shuddered as its shell slowly gave way. As Aerolia let out her first cry, so did a young and newly hatched male dragon. His blue scales shimmering in the shadows the amulet cast on the walls. The one difference in his birth from Aerolia's was that he was born alone, with only the wind to hear his cries.

©2008 Dragon Moon - A.G., D.K.

A little help

So as most of you know I am a member of the Street Team for Glen Gabriel and he is running a contest until October 1, 2008 on how many plays I get on my player at the bottom of my page. The more people who play my player with his music, the faster and stronger I will get to first place. I am in second place right now. I love Glen's music, its a deep source of inspiration for my Artwork, my writing and my photography. His music invokes a fire in my work. If you could help by playing his music on my player, I'd be eternally grateful!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Dark Mind....

So you want to travel deep within a dark and insane mind? Are you prepared for the intense emotions that reside within it? Are you prepared for what you may find? Can you handle the intense walk that you will have to take in order to get to the door that keeps everyone out? Think about it...think long and sure you want to take this journey before you take that first step. You may not like what you find and you may not want to be there once you are there. Once you are there, you will be forever connected to my mind, my emotions. Think long and hard, be sure its what you want. You may not want it in the end.

Darkest Thoughts,

You can see with your eyes...But can you see with your mind?

Life is not just about living, but seeing as well. For awhile now I've had a phrase that I use all the time, its sort of my "catch phrase" so to speak.

You can see with your eyes, but can you see with your mind?

How many of you have actually sat and thought about what I mean by that? Have you really sat and thought about it? Have you figured out the hidden meaning behind it yet? Probably not. My meaning behind it is much deeper, an endless ocean of meaning and depth. Life is meant to be lived, enjoyed. Close your eyes and FEEL with your mind, what life is offering, teaching....

Sometimes you have to close your eyes and see with your mind in order to get the full view. Most people in today's society rush by life without ever giving it any thought or feeling. They are too busy to see all the wonders it has within it. My mind can often be a dark, turbulent place to be. Again, Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year. Its when everything changes in preparation for Winter. Autumn is alot like people and life. Everything changes. Last year I reflected on how so many try to control fate and destiny. Since when do we have any control of Mistress Fate and Mistress Destiny's hand? Last time I checked, both of them control thier own hands and wether we like it or intertwines with our daily lives. Again, life is a lesson. One big lesson. Sometimes we repeat lessons in life until we get it right. Its what makes us who we are. It shapes what we become. You can choose to become bitter and cynical, or caring and open-minded. We all have moments of darkness, but what happens to us during those moments is the important thing. Do you give into the darkness or will you reach for the hand that is stretched towards you, offering solice and comfort? (to be continued)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Getting Settled in....

So we are getting things settled in...bear with us as we do. It will take us several weeks before we are able to get everything settled and in place for Delusions Inc. Photography and myself here on the blog, but we will get settled and into a routine. Until then keep checking back for more.
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