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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Just memories....

Autumn is slowly ushering itself in this year. Seems to be coming in slower than usual. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's just the way it is this year. I will be out taking photographs of the changing leaves, the colors as they fade in and the bright ones fade out.

I find that I am not dreading October as much as I thought I would. October 24th 2010, will mark 16 years since Elizabethe-Ane died. Wow. That's all I can manage to say. I never thought that I would be one of the many, who have lost a child. I never imagined that I would be among those ranks. It is definitely not a badge of honor. Hell, it's not a badge I'd be happy to see anyone wear. It hurts. The pain at times, is absolutely crushing. There are days when you feel like you can't go on. There are days when you feel like giving up and curling into a ball for years on end. There are days when you sit and reflect on the memories, good...bad...ugly...beautiful. There are days when you feel like, Okay I can handle this. I am good today. As few and far as the good days seem to be...we learn to cherish them all the more. I think I am finally finding a small semblance of peace with Eli's death. I will never understand why my daughter, why my baby. But I can find some small span of peace and comfort. It has taken me 16 years to get to this point. It has been a long road and one hell of a journey. I have no doubt that I will always be on this journey, as the peaceful days are few and far between. But right now, I will live in the one that I have.

-to be continued-

Warmest Thoughts,

Saturday, September 4, 2010

.....Catchy title in the works

Yeah, I had no idea what to put as a title. Don't even have much to say really.

The kids started back to school about 3 weeks ago and have no school on Monday, due to Labor Day. It has been relatively quiet, with nothing of notable mentioning to talk about. I am starting to work on things for the Grand Opening of Kateri Maka Gardens. Hopefully things will fall into place soon, so that everything can move fluidly and without issue. Right now, I am looking at the current prices of new molds, new bases, etc. I think I have found a decent price on Shea Butter, Mango Butter, Lanolin, and a few other critical bases and essential ingredients I need. I am looking at some of the newer molds, that are made of a more flexible material. Instead of the typical harder materials, that tend to crack after a certain amount of use. It is up in the air right now, as to wether candles, tarts and other items of the like, will be created and sold. I think that our main focus is on the body, mind and spirit, health wise. I am researching some things for healthier ingredients for the products that will be exclusive to Kateri Maka Gardens. I won't say what those items are at this point, as things are still being worked out. And not to mention, that would be giving away what our line of advertising will be =)

I do know that we will have stones, oils and other essential items for sale, that most Native American and other cultures utilize for their cultural needs.

So, keep an eye out for Kateri Maka Gardens. We just may be opening soon.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

[insert witty entry title here]

I know, I know.....I haven't written anything in several days. I'm still trying to sort thru all my old blog entries so that I can add them here. I didn't realize just how many journals I had completely filled to the hilt, when I was using AOL Journals back in the day. I have enjoyed reading back thru some of the entries. Especially the entries i had written during my divorce and the two years after said divorce. I read back thru them and wonder how the hell I stayed strong and sane. Its good reading. Reminds me where I have been, where I am going, and where i don't ever want to go again.

It's almost time for school to start back up. I did some minor school shopping the other day and balked when I saw that for 6 pairs of shoes, 4 back packs, 4 packs of came to 120.00. That's like....a lot. Dude, I can think of so much I could spend that on and get more lol.

It is definitely a good thing that I love animals. It is definitely a good thing that Chy is a Vet tech. On Tuesday, two stray dogs showed up on our property. Out of the blue. Poor things looked awful. It looks like they had been roaming for some time. Ribs showing, fur missing, pads of their paws worn. But they are such sweet girls! Did a search for the owners and apparently they were abandoned when the owners moved. So....we took them in (I know....that makes 7 dogs that we have now). Dakota promptly took the older dog and named her Soteria, and named the young pup (which we have since discovered is Soteria's puppy) and named her Aimee. They are so well behaved, and housebreaking proved to be a simple task with them. They have settled in nicely thus far.

Aside from things being overly hot and humid here, not much for me to update on right now. I'm sure i will find something update worthy.

Warmest thoughts,

Friday, August 13, 2010

Cropsey documentary & Disappeared: Lee Cutler documentary

I normally steer clear of controversial subject, for the simple fact that tempers tend to flare and the discussion almost always gets heated. Generally a discussion on religion goes array and the parties involved get very heated because they are passionate about their own beliefs. It's fine to be passionate about your own belief system. Seriously. is. The type of discussion I am referring to is the one that winds up being nothing but a big "bash fest" and tempers get out of control. Not cool. Seriously.

I have been watching the much anticipated "Cropsey: The Urban Legend" documentary. I was looking forward to it for the simple fact that, the previews made it look pretty interesting. So far, I am disappointed. It is not at all what the previews led people to think it was to be. Its interesting to a point, but is filled with a lot of very boring, very circumstantial evidence. At one point they bring religion into the picture and refer to Satanic Cults. Ok, what struck me as odd is the fact that a retired detective compared Satanism to Catholicism. Umm hello, two very different worlds. Two very different sets of beliefs. I will state right here, right now, I disagree with religious comparisons like that. BUT, who am I to judge another for his or her belief system? I am not going to judge another because of their belief system. I will say this though, If you believe in God, then you must believe in Satan. No I don't mean worship either one. I mean believe. Lucifer (Satan) was an archangel, that was cast from Heaven. With that said, how can one believe there is a God and not a Devil? I find it interesting when I hear people state they do not believe in Satan, yet they believe in the God that cast him from heaven. I have my own opinions on the documentary, but you need to form your own. Watch it and form your own opinions on it.

Prior to watching Cropsey, I was watching a documentary called Disappeared. The episode I was most interested in was the one about Lee Cutler. This young man disappeared in October of 2007 (October 20, 2007 if I recall). His mother has held onto hope beyond all hope for the last 3 years. I admire her strength to stay hopeful. Lee disappeared and has not been heard from since. From what I have been able to read, there have been a few sitings of him and last one said that he had mentioned going to California. For all my Cali friends, go to:

Facebook | Let's Find Lee

...look at the pictures of this young man, and see if maybe you have seen him on the streets, in a store etc. I encourage others to look as well. His mother deserves to have closure and to find out one way or another as to wether her son is alive or dead. My heart really goes out to this family. They have been searching for three long years for their loved one. They have remained hopeful and smiled, when they wanted to cry and curl up in a corner. NO parent should have to go thru something like this. My heart aches for them. I'd lose my mind if it were me in that situation.

Warmest Thoughts,

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Trippin' Tuesday

Trippin' Tuesday is here again!

It's been awhile since I did a Trippin' Tuesday, so I thought I'd do one today. On today's trippin' agenda, is....laundry. Lots of it. I wrote yesterday that I had managed to catch up on the laundry. Keyword being HAD. Yes, you guessed it...the kids decided that it was totally cool, totally trippin' to take every single blanket we have (don't make me count them, please...way too many to count LOL)out into the yard yesterday. It is still unclear as to what they were trying to make, or as they say "build". Judging from the blankets, the lattice (yep, they used some of my lattice in their little project), I'd say they were trying to build a fort. Ahhh, the life of a mama is never boring, and never done. =)

Further on the agenda is grocery shopping. Its time to do our monthly stocking of the cabinets and pantry. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. Daniel likes to screw with my OCD every...single...time...we go grocery shopping. I think he lives to screw my system up -snicker snort- . He will intentionally mess up the items on the conveyor belt, knowing full well it sends my OCD into overdrive, hyper annoyance mode. And...he laughs the entire time. o.O Can I toss him on the conveyor belt in hopes that it will suck him under? Well, not really. I love him too much to do that. But it sounded good right? -snicker snort-

I also need to finish redesigning the business website, in addition to creating a sample design for a friend (for her site). Shouldn't be too hard right? Yeah, uh huh...riiiiiiight. I am such a damn perfectionist when it comes to my design, art and photography. I drive myself insane with it. I own worst critic. And I know this. I beat myself up harder and more so, than anyone else does. I still have 1TB worth of hard drive, to go thru photo wise. It's a daunting task and I am not liking it. But alas, it has to be done so that I can get the images into the archives on the site.

I seriously need to do school shopping for the kids. We got the lists for what all they will need. The school doesn't ask for much do they? -insert sarcasm-
Can I get a magic helper faery here? Please? -sigh- Okay, guess not, LOL.

I need to go pay the water bill too. Amazingly, every 3 months (when the water bill is due), we pay about 60.00 for water. Not bad for 10 people eh? I'm tickled to pieces about that. Can't ask for a cheaper bill there!

I'm currently looking at some Macro lenses for my cameras. Found one or two I'd like to get. I need to get another zoom lense as well. I am undecided on what focal length I will get this time. Meh, decisions, decisions.

Well, I will find something else to add to this later, I'm sure. I always do.


P.S. Yes I am aware that i wrote this at 3am...what can i say...I was bored, had nothing else to do, knee is giving me issues again. Give a girl a break lol

Monday, August 9, 2010

Just another Monday

Just another ordinary Monday here. I have never really liked Monday's to be honest. But then I am not really a morning person, and Monday means waking up in the morning to start the week. Sometimes they start off good (like today), other times they start of bad (like 6 months ago). I have to say that I am much happier now. Life has calmed down and is filled with barely any "drama". I have moved 5 states away from my family and it was the best thing I ever did. I love my family, but sometimes...It's good to have some space between you and family. The kids are thriving and do so well out here. We have a small farm so to speak. Let's see here, we have 5 dogs, 6 cats, numerous small critters, chickens.....We are getting ready to build a coop for the chickens (Rhode Island Reds). We are getting 2 nanny goats, 2 billy goats, possibly a cow. We make frequent trips to the beach where the kids always have a blast.

So, today has been a really good day. Its still rather hot here but not as hot as it has been for the last two months. Today its only about 88 degrees at 1pm, instead of 106 and higher. We had some good rains over the weekend. Chy and I got the chance to play in the rain with the Risk, Aly and Saph (3 of our dogs). It was...FUN! Sometime today we need to get the riding mower and mow the lawns. That is a task in itself lol. The house is clean, laundry is being washed. I got caught up on the laundry last week, which felt good. I have 4 lines out in the back, so I can hang clothes out and not use the dryer...which makes the house hot during hot days =)
I went thru an entire big bottle of clorox doing laundry, washing walls, washing floors, scrubbing bathrooms. So, its off tot he store on Tuesday to get some more bleach, a few more things of dish soap and laundry soap.

I think maybe this week we will go back to Vilano beach or maybe Ponte Verda Beach. I know i want to head out to Pen to see my friend Kierstin, who I haven't seen in a long time. Kiers and i go back to when we were both pregnant. I can't believe its been as long as it has. I reconnected with my childhood best friend B and Sam. The things we talked about while catching up on each others lives. So so much has happened over the years. Hard to believe we have been friends for 22 years!

My twin is now homeschooling her girls and let me tell you I am so proud of her. She is doing amazing! She is loving every moment and my nieces are doing wonderful as a result. She is one talented multi tasking girl lol.

I will be starting back to school soon. Originally I had signed up with UoM for CSI Photography and Analysis. Originally. Over the weekend I changed my mind and decided to go with a major in Archaeology and Marine Biology with a possible understudy emphasis on CSI Photography. I think I will enjoy marine Biology and archaeology more than CSI Photography. Irregardless, I start back to college soon and i am taking on a full load. I will be full time and its going to be stressful I'm sure.

Chy is studying to be a veterinarian, she is in the midst of her own Marine biology class and I am trying to help her with that. Dakota has decided to pursue Law enforcement as his area of study and he is excited about it. Cheri is in 7th grade and wants to pursue veterinarian in the future. Who knows...maybe i will have TWO doctors in the family =) Shawnee, Chenoa, Hunter, Liam and Dinnah all start back to school at the end of August. Summer is slowly coming to an end and willgive way to Autumn. I can't...wait.

My Photography business is slowly taking hold here and that's a good thing. Renamed the business, gave it a new look. We are getting ready to start building the studio, which will be large enough for my equipment, props etc and clients =)

Well, now that I have bored you to death...I will leave you be lol
Have a wonderful Monday and an awesome week everyone!!!!


Thursday, July 29, 2010

Memories of a broken heart & Thank you's

Any of you who have been reading my blog since I first started using online journals, back in 1994, know that October is a hard month for me, much harder than any other month out of the year. Most of you know that August starts a walk for me, that ultimately ends on October 24th, every year. You have watched me smile when I want to cry, and you have made sure that I knew...that I wasn't fooling anyone with the smiles. I want to thank each and every one of you for being there for me, for holding me, loving me, helping me thru what is always a very emotional time for me. I appreciate it from the depths of my heart. You have let me talk about Elizabethe-Ane. You have let me cry, you have released balloons in her name, planted trees and roses. Some of you have released doves in her memory and worn ribbons with her name on them. I will never be able to express how much all of that has meant to me, how much it still means to me. All I can do is say...THANK YOU my friends. Thank you for walking with a mother who's heart, was broken so long ago. Thank you for carrying me when i felt like I couldn't carry myself. Thank you for crying with me and trying to understand the magnitude of my pain. Thank you...for not saying it was meant to be. Thank you...for being...a FRIEND, for loving me the way that I am, for the words of support and love.

Warmest thoughts,

I have discovered that I have entirely too Okay, well for a normal person that is. I have been working to reorganize all my client photos, since I let the folders get very untidy that is. I came across a few photos I have done, and thought I'd share them with you. Some are good, some are okay, some are just plain....meh what was I thinking lol

First up is from a Photo session with my adopted brother and my 18 yr old daughter in February 2009. (I know, Chy looks 12, but trust me, she is 18)

Let's see here, next up is a random photo I did in the Winter of 2005, we had a bad blizzard and Ice storm that year. I went out after the storm, in the days after that is....and snapped about 200 photos in all. This is one of those photos, back in the day when I used the "dreamy" effect on some of my images. This particular photo was taken from my backyard. A set of tracks ran behind my yard.

Let's see, this next image is a random one I caught while driving home one night. I saw the sun setting over the highway horizon and it was breath taking to me.

I hope you enjoyed them. I will probably add more later. But honestly, I'm hot (its 107 here), my face, hands and feet are swollen (no I am not pregnant, I just don't tolerate heat very well with my Lupus and RA),
and I am...C R A N K Y as all get out. So I will save some of my other images for another day =)


Sweet days

Sometimes, we forget to stop and look at what is around us, what we have, what we are lucky to have. My daughter is one of the many blessings i have in my life. I remember the day she was born. Oh my how I remember. It doesn't seem like its been that long ago either. Now, now she is a beautiful young woman that has high ambitions and dreams. She's a Vet Tech, that is pursuing Veterinarian school. She's got the biggest heart I have ever seen. She wears it on her sleeve the majority of the time. Sensitive, funny, charming, calm, yet fiesty as fire. She's quiet, yet loud. Bubbly, giggling, over flowing with love for her family, animals, art and writing. She' baby girl. I can't believe my baby girl is....mine.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Words escape me

Words escape me as I realize, that in just 2 will be the 16 yr anniversary of my daughter Elizabethe-Ane Maree, and the day she was given her wings to fly, with the most precious of angels. Words can not say, what my heart has felt, and still feels...all these years later. Words can't begin to express, the sense of sorrow, but yet the sense of belief, that I have. Words escape me, for there are none that could show the depths of my heart, or bare my soul...the way my beautiful angel did, the day she was born, the day I also had to say good bye. I have never forgotten, I have thought of her every day for the last 16 years. Words escape me. My heart still hurts, still longs for my little one. My heart still feels broken, all these years later. Words.....escape me.

Words escape me...for there are none that can describe the emotions.
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