Memories and Tears

It has been a bit since I posted. The last time I posted was from my cell phone and it didn't go too well. it posted my single post in a series of 4 or 5. Won't be doing that again.

  Last week was a bit hard around here. Bella was hit by a car and instantly killed. That event devastated my son. Bella was HIS dog. She followed him, slept with him. They did everything together. The last time I saw D cry like that was when he was three. He is now almost 18...
We buried her and she now has a headstone and we found some angel stones to put on each side. I am getting ready to order two rose bushes for her grave. The Bella Deep Rose and the Bella Roma Rose. I am going to close this for now....

Rest in Peace

Bella Sariya Hill

October 13, 2011 - October 11, 2012 

Beloved companion and friend. We will see you on The Rainbow Bridge. 

se it enough that our land won't look like a swamp when it rains.

Until next time my little mad hatters, moons and stars.....

the neighbors kids. We talked to the construction crew and they have been bringing fill dirt to us so that we can raise the land up. We are trying to rai

one of the speeding cars that tend to come flying by here. There are three really large mountains of dirt that have kept al the kids occupied. Mine and

me in December/January. Its not so bad really. The road has been closed off and has allowed the kids, mine included to play without fear of being hit by

12. Yes for the last five months. And the sad thing is, they aren't done and wont be done until March or so. The third phase is supposed to start some ti

and it was actually a touch chilly. I tossed on my zebra print socks and eeyore fleece pants.

There has been construction on our road since April 20

a nice reprieve the last week or so. No rain and cooler temps. I don't think we have gotten over 86 or so in the last week or two. I woke up this morning

Quick driveby post:

Aside from all the chaos around here there isn't much to tell. We have had so much rain that I am sick of seeing rain. It has been

Browsers

I'm not sure what browsers everyone is using these days. But I myself use Google Chrome and Maxthon 3. If you haven't tried either of them, give them a whirl. Maxthon 3 has a nifty little feature that I find to be invaluable when I am designing blogs and websites. With the blog I can have my dashboard or control page on one side, and the actual blog site on the other. The split screen function is fantastic. I am always flipping back and forth between the site and the dash in order to get a real time view of how it looks. I generally don't talk about products etc because i don't want to turn my readers off the blog. But honestly, you should give Maxthon 3 a try. You can get it from www.maxthon.com. I was originally told about it by a friend who uses it for everything he does. But this is also the same friend who uses Safari, Chrome, Firefox and other browsers simultaneously lol. Yes, he is a nut. But then if he wasn't then he wouldn't be my friend now would he? LOL
 

Fruitful Friday

 As I sit here I am listening to the sounds Mother Nature is screaming. The thunder indicates that she is about to unleash some of her fury on us. I have always loved watching the chase take place. The thunder rumbles its demand and the lightening takes chase after it. Such a beautiful sight to see. But then I am the one that you would call insane. Instead of taking shelter when a tornado hits, I am the one out there with my cameras taking pictures. Back in 2008 I watched a wall cloud form right over the house. I was so busy snapping off shots of the cloud forming that I failed to hear the neighbor scrambling about to open his storm cellar. Until he shouted for me and the kids to take shelter in it with him and his wife because a funnel cloud had just dropped down two streets over. Then the most amazing thing happened. I was able to capture a smaller funnel drop down three houses down. Scary yet beautiful at the same time. The destructive power of Mother Nature is an amazing power to behold but very terrifying at the same time. That particular storm spared my home and the neighbor's home. But it all but destroyed a house three doors down.

  So today I sit here inside the house, watching thru the windows. Unlike Oklahoma storms, Florida storms are bit more...scary? When the sky opens up around here, it opens and pours. The rain is usually welcomed but not this time. We are still recovering from Hurricane Debbie around here. Hurricane, Tropical storm. Whatever she was when she made landfall. She became stagnant for days on end. Dumped too much rain on us. There are still areas that are flooded. Just when my land starts to dry out, Mother nature rears her head and unleashes her wrath on us again. I now have a rather large dip at the end of our driveway. Needs to be filled. I told Daniel that we need to consider pouring a cement driveway instead of the lime rock and dirt that we currently have. But, first on our list is a 8-10ft privacy fence across the back and sides of the property, with a 4-6ft in the front. I am installing a gate with intercom as well. I am fed up with the neighbor behind us and its gotten old relatively fast. There is no excuse in my book, that could ever excuse her making death threats against the kids. There is no excuse for her killing our livestock and domestic animals. None. What scares me though, is she has two very vicious dogs. She is the kind of dog owner that gives pitbulls a bad reputation. I grew up with pits, dobies and rotties. I know how sweet natured they can be. But she teaches her dogs to attack without teaching a stop command. Dangerous. Very dangerous. Her dogs have bitten people on three separate incidents. To the point that she is required to carry insurance on them now. And if they bite again she has been told they will be put down humanely.  It's a shame that those dogs will suffer the consequences of their owners behavior. The reason the privacy fence will be higher in the back of the property is because of her dogs. She has the female in a pen right on my fence line. Which at this point does nothing to stop the dog. The fence line back there is only 4ft if that. The dogs both attack the fence line when anyone walks in the back. No matter how far out they are. I can open my back door and they start growling and attacking the line.  -shakes head-

Later today Cherokee and I are going to make some no bake cookies and possibly some Cafe au Lait ice cream. Sounds yummy doesn't it?

 

Thoughtful Thursday

 

 

Bad day all around

 At this point, I seriously need a nice stiff drink. And that's saying a lot given I don't drink.  For the last few months we have had some serious issues with the neighbor behind us. Serious enough that I have called the Sheriff out several times. Serious enough that I contemplated taking a murder charge because the b!tch made death threats to my kids. Well said neighbor has been poisoning my birds. So far the death toll is up to 10 chickens and a goose. At this point we have no idea how she is doing it, or what type of poison she is using. Now, she has killed one of our cats. I just got done burying our 10 month old cat Caillen. And soothing three very emotional daughters. Chenoa is highly upset as Nefertiti was HER hen. She raised her from an egg to 2 years old. Nefertiti was our 25lb Rhode Island Red hen. Shawnee is very upset because Caillen was HER cat. Do you know how hard it is to calm down a emotional 15yr old? And toss in a very emotional 16yr old on top of that with a emotional 12yr old. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I don't like seeing my babies upset. This is too much emotion.

All I can say is, KARMA. She's a bitch. And she WILL come knocking on that witches door.

I'm back...

 I am finally able to sit down and possibly write a newer blog post. The last three months have proven to not only be total chaos but filled with things I didn't expect to deal with. and certainly didn't want to deal with in the first place. Honestly I'm not even sure where I should even begin. I could start at the beginning but even then my mind seems to wander off into the chaos and get lost. Distracted. Sidetracked. Whatever you want to call it, I don't like it. I find myself struggling to write a decent blog post.  I suppose I can start back in April/May.

 

April 3,2012-

  I had not gotten our electric bill in over a month, despite having called and asked for a copy of it so that I could figure out the bills. By this time no new copy of the bill had arrived and I was staring at a field rep from the power company, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I ended up telling him to shut the power off and I would deal with a supervisor at the main office. I spent several hours on the phone and the end result was me telling them where they could shove it because I was not going to pay a 5th deposit on the same account, simply because they can't figure out what they did with the first 4 deposits. (BTW, we ended up getting Solar panels and converting to off the grid.)

 

 May 2012-

 I won't bore you with recapping may. There is a small post for may on the blog. Not much to read I suppose.

 

June and July 2012- 

  I spent most of June preparing for the following school year. We had a few mishaps with the kids. Such as Liam hurting his foot because he refused to wear shoes. June was actually a relatively quiet month aside from drama with Daniel's family. I just don't get them sometimes. They have the potential to be good people. But yet they choose not to be. Often times it seems like they would rather create drama and see who they can screw over the most. 

 

 I hate the rain. For two weeks straight we had nothing but rain caused by Hurricane Debbie. She flooded so many places. The river near us reached flood stage (24ft) on a Sunday night (10pm) and by Monday it was 8ft over flood stage. My land looked like a lake with several smaller lakes. We spent about an hour in the rain moving the goose enclosure to higher land. It was much needed rain but we went from drought to flood in no time. The ground couldn't soak up anymore rain. It was over saturated within 3 days. Talk about cabin fever. Being cooped up in the house with 8 kids and all the dogs...got old real fast for everyone. By the time the rain stopped we all were glad.   During all the rain I slipped down the deck steps and broke my foot. That was not in my plans this year. Being on crutches for just over 5 weeks puts a serious crimp in your wardrobe. I lived in capri pants and minus one shoe. 

 

-To be continued when I can form more coherent thoughts. 

Quickie

I thought I would stop in for a quick minute. And when I say a quick minute...I mean a quick minute. H,L and D are getting ready to start back to school on the 20th. I am teaching C, S and Ck about the Holocaust and they seem to like learning about it. Aside from the total chaos around here, there isn't much to say right now. Hopefully I will have our internet back up and running by the end of the month. -Cross fingers-

Pssst....yes you

 I know, I know. I have been scarce for the last 2 months. I'm sorry. Things have been chaotic around here and it doesn't look like it will be any less chaotic for a good bit. So much has happened that I plan to tell you guys about, just not at the moment. It would and most likely will, encompass a rather long blog post to cover all that has happened in the last 8-9 weeks. It has been...interesting to say the least. H, L and D have 5 days of school left. C, S and CK are home - schooled so we plan to take a short break so that they can relax some. Dk started his Forensic classes as well as his Psych classes. Chy has started her Creative Photography classes now and that has added to her Marine Biology and English classes. Chenoa has started a few classes online with FLVS as well. Seriously, really...things are just way too chaotic around here. There is so much to tell you and definitely not enough time to tell you about it all. Just when I think we are making some progress in the chaos, things start to go all wild. I seriously need a vacation after all this is over with. That's for sure. Since I don't have much time in which to post this and I have forgotten how to put up a new blog post via my android, I will go ahead and close this for now. Sorry it isn't much of an update. Until next time my little Mad Hatters.

Insanity much? No. Much too much.

The title says it all. Things are still totally insane here and I am losing hope of ever recovering what little of my insanity I had left, again. All I can say right now is: I need a vacation.

World English Dictionary

arachnophobia  (əˌræknəˈfəʊbɪə)
— n
	an abnormal fear of spiders
[C20: from Greek arakhnē  spider + -phobia ]
arachnophobic
— adj , — n Yes I have SEVERE arachnophobia. Severe. I tend to become a reduced puddle of hysterical tears when I see a spider. Especially very large ones. This morning was no exception to that. I was sitting in my bedroom checking emails on my laptop when my daughter Cheyenne screamed "OMG HUGE SPIDER! HUGE SPIDER!" You see, she has arachnophobia like I do. However, she tends to exaggerate on the size of spiders when she sees them. So I thought oh its probably just a small one. I got up to go see just how big the spider was. I didn't get very far. When I got to my bedroom door my son Dakota said "Don't move mom." I happened to look up at that moment and saw the biggest wolf spider I have EVER seen. Seriously. Really. I think it was on steroids. No really. It was...HUGE. Even with my fear of spiders and other arachnids, I have seen tarantulas that were smaller. Does that give you a good visual in your mind how big this thing was? Seriously. Tarantulas are big spiders. But this one...He had them beat in terms of size. Daniel and Dakota got to see just how bad my arachnophobia REALLY is. I started backing up, screaming, crying. I tripped and fell backwards over the edge of the bed. After landing on the floor I scooted backwards and screamed "Kill the damn spider. Kill it damn it."Daniel looked at me with this look that was pure shock at seeing his wife reduced to hysterical tears, shaking uncontrollably and unable to do much other than huddle into a ball. He knocked one of the legs off and the spider scurried off somewhere. It is now somewhere in my bedroom. Plotting my death. Seriously, I think it's plotting my death. I am not one to advocate violence but...I am terrified of spiders. Especially BIG ones. It triggered an SVT attack and a panic attack on top of that. Daniel was laughing his ass off but yet he felt totally horrible at the same time. He hugged me and said it will be okay baby. I looked at him like he was crazy and said "No it won't be okay. That spider is in my bedroom somewhere. Now go find it!". He laughed hysterically when I called my mama and said "I need to hear my mommy's voice."  My mama immediately said "OMG What happened?" When I told her she said "oh crap!" She remembers all too well how terrified of spiders I am.  Daniel says I was holding Carsten (my puppy that is white mind you) so tight that his fur was turning blue. So I guess I can call him smurf puppy now? So that was my morning. How was yours?

Another drive-by posting

 So last I posted I mentioned how stressful things were. Well here's a small bit of humor in the whole thing. On Thursday (4/5) we were sitting on our deck when we saw a woman stumbling down the road in front of the house. I wasn't going to give it any thought because it was obvious the woman was totally and utterly drunk out of her mind. That is until Cheyenne said OMG she has blood all over her face and shirt. So began the first bit of amusement. She stumbled onto our property and Dakota and I got her to sit down while I inspected the wounds. She was pretty tore up and had apparently walked about a mile or so in that condition. She didn't want us to call 911 so my son took the cell phone and went to the back of the property and called them. They showed up and apparently, she is a "frequent flyer" with them. By the time they convinced her to go to the hospital for stitches there was a Fire truck with lights going, Ambulance with lights flashing, a sheriff car, the volunteer FD vehicles and all my damn neighbors rubbernecking. When they finally convinced her to go she looked at me (keep in mind I have no idea who she is and had never met her nor seen her before) and she said "Youuuuuu! I will never speak to YOUUUUU again." I looked at Daniel and said "Alrighty then. Not like I know who the hell she is anyways." LOL

Fast forward to that weekend. It was either Friday or Saturday night at about 11:30pm. We are sitting on the deck with the grill going and I was reading Eldest to Daniel. We heard sirens in the distance and didn't think anything of it. That is until they came racing down the street and came to a stop in front of our property. Apparently they had gotten a call that our deck was on fire. It was...comical. Daniel told the chief "It's not on fire, we are sitting here with the grill like we have been for the last 3 or 4 nights." The chief said "Seriously?!?" Yeah that was comical. They turned the lights off and apologized for bothering us LOL.

Just a quick Drive-by

 Well hello there my little stars and moons. I know, I know...where the Hades have I been right?!? I will tell you all about it next week. I promise. I am still sifting through the rubble trying to find my insanity. If you see my little insanity monster, will you tell her that she needs to come home. I feel lost without her. Oh and the cleaning fairy. They seemed to have run off together this time. I really miss them both.

     Shawnee is 14 now. Where has the time gone? I feel like all my babies are growing up way too fast. My youngest two are now 9. Quick! Someone loan me your newborn for a month. Please? Okay, okay, I know how hard it is to let go of that sweet smelling newborn phase. I won't badger you. Well, maybe just this >.< much. One of my Roosters died. As did my game hen. Cleopatra died from a heart attack that my son's dog gave her. I was so mad at that dog (she still gets the death glare and won't come near me because of it). Ra (the rooster) died from what we suspect was liver failure. And trust me when I say that is just the tip of the iceberg on the total insanity that has been taking a slow and leisurely walk through our house lately. The gardens are somewhat planted (yeah I'm slacking on that. Beat me with some whips will you? I need the enjoyment -wink-) and they are starting to look decent if you ask me. My roses are growing nicely and blooming. Well strike that. One of my bushes had a huge bloom that my children promptly beheaded. Yeah, we won't go there LOL. My allergies are saying screw you lady. We have had warm weather (I know, when do we not have warm weather in Florida right?) and I was telling my Daddy about it a few days ago. I was explaining how we haven't had a normal Florida winter and as a result of no cold weather, the fleas, ticks and such have not died down. So now I have to treat my yard and the dogs hard and heavy. Poor Bella barks (i.e talks) to her fleas, scratches, then whines at them and scratches some more before she growls at them. Poor Bella. I feel for her. Carsten is spoiled rotten. Boy you can tell he is my dog. He wants whatever I am eating and drinking. He gives the biggest puppy dog eyes I tell you.

     Well I am going to close this for now. I will be back soon enough. Love you all mucho grande.

Searching for

I am searching for unused textbooks that people may have laying around, gathering dust. I need them for grades 5 thru 12. If you have some that you don't need, please consider emailing me and giving them a new home that will definitely continue to love them and use them =)
Desarei@insideaninsanemind.com

April Fools, Birthdays and Easter

 In our house we have most of the year covered in terms of Birthdays that mix with the Holidays. In April we have a total of six birthdays plus the holidays that fall in the month as well.

Here is our year broke down:

January 1- New Years Day
January 2- Liam's Birthday
January 7- My parent's Anniversary
January 15- Zach's Birthday (Daughter's boyfriend/fiance, whatever you want to call him)
February 14- Valentines Day
February 16- Brother inlaw's birthday
February 18/19- Twin BIL & SIL birthday
February 22- Dakota's birthday and My ex's wife's birthday, as well as the ex and his wife's Anniversary
March 5- Chenoa's Birthday
March 12- Brother's birthday
April 1- April Fool's Day
April 2- Shawnee's Birthday
April 7- My brother's birthday
April 11- Dinnah's birthday
April 19- My neice's birthday and the Anniversary of the OKC Bombing
April 23- G's birthday
April 26- My ex's birthday (kids father)
May 11- Kids Grandfather's Birthday
May 6- Bear's Birthday (My Best best Best Friend, male one), Pam's  birthday
May 12- Mother's Day
June 8- Hunter and Logan's Birthdays
June 28- Brittani's Birthday, Lorenzo's birthday
June 30- Father in law's birthday
July 4- Fourth of July
July 5- Cheyenne's Birthday
July 10- Mother in law's birthday
July 14- Tiffani's Birthday
July 20- Sebastian's birthday
August 18- Mare's Birthday
August 30- SIL's birthday
September- Labor Day
September 25- My Dad's Birthday
October 1- Kids aunt's Birthday
October 2- Kids Uncle's Birthday
October 3- Lilie's Birthday
October 7- My birthday
October 12- Daniel's Birthday
October 19- Niece's Birthday & Brian's birthday
October 24- Elizabethe-Ane's Birthday
October 25- Elizabethe-Ane's Death Anniversary per her death certificate (date it was actually signed)
November 6- My Mom's Birthday
November 9- My anniversary
November 24- Thanksgiving
December 19??- Nic's birthday
December 24- Christmas Eve
December 25- Christmas
December 30- Cherokee's birthday
December 31- New Year's Eve


So as you can see we have a pretty full year usually with Holidays and Birthdays. Toss in all the smaller Holidays and day's that we tend to observe such as President's Day etc and that makes for a never ending wave of holidays. We try to combine Chenoa, Shawnee and Dinnah's birthday as much as we can when it comes to planning a party. Generally we have a barbecue with cake and just family. This year it's been one thing after another in terms of getting things done. And I KNOW I am missing some Birthdays LOL

Things are calming down

 Things are starting to calm down around here. Finally. Thank you.  I still feel like I am losing my mind (like I ever had sanity to begin with right?) but I am sure that will even out eventually. We are starting to prepare the gardens for planting now. We went ahead and started a few of the seedlings in pots so that we can just transfer them to the gardens when they are ready. Time to get the tiller and plow up some ground. This year we are dealing with one large garden and two or so medium size gardens and several smaller gardens. My roses have started blooming. One of the Don Juan climbing roses has a beautiful big bloom on it. The Blue Girl hasn't started blooming just yet but it is on it's way to do so. We have some wildflowers that Cherokee wants to plant. I am still trying to find some more Asian Lilies, Black Calla Lilies, Stargazers, Tigers and some ground cover like Moss Pink, Rose "Happy Chappy", Creeping Thyme, Phlox or maybe some London Pride or Desert Pea ground cover. All of which are absolutely beautiful. I am a bit apprehensive on the Phlox for one reason though. Phlox is a fast spreading ground cover and can quickly get out of control and choke out any other plants it encounters. I am going to be doing my spearmint, peppermint and wintergreen plants in pots because they are fast spreading as well. I learned my lesson with those many years ago. They will quickly take over your flowerbed, yard, garden and kill everything in its path by smothering them. Our Butterfly tree is slowly recovering from the damage the boys did to it last year. I really thought it was going to die because of how extensive the damage was. Cherokee babied it and that paid off. It is green and starting to shoot back up taller and taller. Hopefully we can get it back to the 6-7 foot tall that it was. I could be wrong but it may have been about 8ft. I honestly don't remember. Cherokee has proven that she has a very green thumb when it comes to gardening, plants, trees, flowers, veggies etc. She took some pinto, kidney, and northern beans last year and turned them into about 50 or so plants last year. Hunter brought home a 50lb head of cabbage plant last year and that sucker got huge. It was about 5ft in diameter in terms of the plant itself. The head of cabbage I plucked from it was huge as well. I was able to make several cabbage stew type meals for over 2 weeks with that one head of cabbage. I need to get my tomato plants, herbs etc. Anyhow, I'll leave you guys in peace for now =)

Hard times and super stressed. I need a money fairy =/

Hi hi hi my little stars and moons. I know I have been scarce as of late. I am so sorry about that. Things have gotten overwhelming and pretty stressful around here. As you know I was embroiled in a battle with the IRS over my refund. The short of it is that they took it without warning and I lost the fight. We were working with the Tax Advocate Offices and faxed them every single invoice and letter that they wanted. The deadline to have it turned in with the IRS was March 5th. Well, the TAO missed the deadline. Completely dropped the ball. I faxed everything to them on Feb. 28, 2012 and they called to confirm that they had indeed gotten the cover letter and all the attachments. She said she was looking at them right then and we talked about the particulars dealing with information that was in the faxes. So yes, she verified with her line of questioning that they had indeed gotten it all. Two weeks went by and I had heard not a peep from the TAO so I called them. That is when they informed me that they had missed the deadline. She started out apologetic and then it went to Hades fairly quick after that. The call ended with me losing my temper and telling her exactly what I thought of her dropping the ball. In the end we learned that because they missed the deadline, we were dead in the water in terms of seeing any money. Money that we desperately need. With Daniel being unemployed right now we have zero income coming in. The economy has all but halted my photography business, which has been non existent for the last year. We have an electric bill that is overdue and in danger of being shut off. We have a water bill that is also now overdue and in danger of being shut off. We called my parents to see if we could borrow the 600.00 that we need to get the bills paid and they just don't have it. Daniel asked his family and they don't have it either. So now, I feel like a total failure. With 8 kids I have to have electric and water. And right now things are looking pretty bleak in terms of having those two very important utilities. I have tried selling my wedding rings, necklaces, bracelets, and gotten nowhere. I have even looked into title loans and that has come up empty as well. The normal places that help with utilities around here, are tapped dry in terms of funding so they are just putting people on a 2-3 month waiting list. I honestly don't know what to do now. I debated heavily about putting this on my blog or not putting it on my blog. I realize I am putting myself out there and will likely receive some pretty harsh backlash on it. But seriously, my blog is my outlet for stress and frustrations. And right now I desperately need understanding, help and comfort. I just don't what else to do. I have exhausted all my options to be honest. If I don't smile and laugh, I cry. Give me the winning lottery numbers if you have them. And if you know someone who has money to waste or spend on a good cause, send em my way will ya. Just kidding there guys. Hopefully people can see the humor I am trying desperately to inject into the whole situation.

Creative Worlds

 Being an artist, writer and photographer means escaping to a private world that I have created for myself. From time to time those worlds are a refuge that is much needed. It is where I can take a moment and gather my thoughts and shed the insanity of daily life. I can shed the stresses that are present in the daily world that may send me over the edge from time to time. I have never been one that can handle extreme stress for long periods of time and I am far from being able to handle it with the grace and focus that those who surround me say I do. While it may look like I handle everything with such grace, I can truthfully say that under that grace and strength is a wall that is crumbling steadily.  Several years ago I started The Visions II Project. TVIIP has always been focused on teaching children about photography, art, writing, etc. In 2008 I put it on the back burner in order to focus on my clients and weeding through a very full schedule. In 2009 I was busy preparing for a wedding and a big move, thus it stayed on the back burner and I had all but forgotten about it. 2010 brought the big move in January of that year. After the move took place I spent 18 months becoming acclimated to my new surroundings. Since that time I have become acclimated to living in a tropical state.  I am now ready to haul my cameras, my lights, sketchbooks, pencils and other artistic tools and establish my business here. Now if I could get out of the creative funk that I have hit. =/

Creative funk

 I am in a creative funk right now. My fellow artists, photographers and graphic designers know exactly what the creative funk is. I think it's time to grab my cameras, my equipment, the kids and do some mini sessions. Somehow I don't think the kids will be too thrilled about that.  I just know that I need to get myself out of this funk. I hate when I develop a creative block. It sucks every ounce of creativity out of me and I struggle to pull it back sometimes. Any suggestions or ideas for a theme?

WoW junkie

  So it is no secret that I play several MMORPG's including World of Warcraft aka WoW. So the following is a very short conversation between me and my 18 yr old daughter, who also plays WoW.

Me: Hey Chy, give me a few Shadow Priest spells. Just name some please.
Chy: Flash Heal
Me: Seriously? Really? -face palm-
Chy: What? That's a Shadow Priest spell.
Me: Umm, NOT. I said SHADOW Priest Chy, not Heals. -bangs head on desk-
Chy: -looks around and smiles- You said priest.
Me: No Chy, I said SHADOW Priest. Seriously? Really?
Chy: ohhhhhhhhhhhhh SHADOW.
Me: -gnome punts Chy-

For what it's worth, I play a Shadow Priest in addition to my Arcane Mage, Beast Master hunter, Boomkin (Balance Druid) and Destruction/Affliction Warlock.

Beautiful weekend Memories

My son Liam with his sister Brooklyn and his father Ken.

Obviously you can tell who is who in this photograph =)

I had to be quick with the shots so I didn't have time to use my 50mm lens. And I was not able to use my ring flash but then I didn't really need it with all the beautiful natural light that day. The SOOC was color but I tweaked it to B&W given I am a huge B&W fan. -sigh- That's my weakness. Not thrilled with how Liam's eyes came out pretty dull compared to Brook's.

My Chenoa is 12

 Yesterday my 31 week preemie turned 12 years old. It doesn't seem like it has been 12 years since she was the tiny 3lb newborn that she was. I can remember the moment my water broke. I remember hoping beyond all hope that I had just wet my pants. Yes I desperately was hoping that was what had happened. I recall crying and saying please please don't let this be my water. It's entirely too soon for this baby boy (I was told she was a he since week 15) to be born. I rushed to the hospital and was told that this was it. My water had definitely broken and the birth was imminent. I was not far enough along for the GBS test at that point so they immediately did one. I tested a high positive for GBS (Group B Strep) and they immediately tried to stall my labor long enough to get some antibiotics into my system. My OB came in with the perinatologist and they did an ultrasound right then. They said the baby was still a he and that they suspected he weighed 7lbs. I laughed and said no, SHE is going to weigh 3lbs and be 15 inches long. They looked at me and laughed. Said no we know what we are talking about. Chenoa was born just moments after midnight when I rolled over from 30 weeks to 31 weeks. She weighed 3lbs and was exactly 15 inches long. She didn't cry. She mewed like a weak little kitten. She was retracting with every breath she took and they rushed her to the NICU after they let me hold her for all of a minute. I was able to go down to the NICU after they got me cleaned up and settled. I watched as the NICU nurse took the suction syringe bulb (the snot sucker as I called it) and put it in the palm of her hand. She picked up Chenoa and laid her on her tummy across her arm. She patted her back with the hand that held the bulb syringe. I remember thinking my gosh it looks like they are patting her back really hard. The nurse was trying to get the fluid in her lungs to break up (per what I was told) and she was trying to get her to cry. She was never able to get anything beyond that weak kitten mew. The nurses told me to expect Chenoa to remain in the NICU until at least her due date. I was devastated. I didn't want to go home without her even though i lived just across the street from the hospital at the time. I stayed by her side for 3 solid days. The nurses tried in vain to get me to leave her to go shower and rest. I just couldn't do it. Finally the my doctor and the NICU doctor came in. They both told me to go shower and get some rest and then they wanted to talk to me. So I finally did. When I came back, I sat down with the doctors and was fully expecting them to tell me she would be staying for many weeks. Imagine my surprise when I was told that she could go home with very specific and strict restrictions. She was on a monitor and I had to bring her in every single day. I was told that the main reason they were letting me take her home was because she was doing very well and because I lived across the street from the hospital. They both were also aware that I had suffered 6 back to back miscarriages just before I got pregnant with Chenoa. The 6th one being exactly 6 months to the day when i found out I was pregnant with Chenoa. I named her Chenoa Kathryn-Lian. Chenoa means White Dove (Native American), Kathryn means Of God and Lian means Graceful Willow in Japanese and Lotus flower in Chinese. The name was one I chose after she was born and it fit her circumstances. The day I brought her home she set off the alarms on her monitor when she stopped breathing and turned blue. I called the hospital and the NICU doctor said strip her down and step outside for a moment. I was like are you kidding me? It was COLD, ice cold. He said it would shock her system into taking a breath and to step back in afterward. And that they would be sending someone to usher us to the hospital, across the street. Thankfully it DID work and she took a breath (still not sure why the cold air worked or why they didn't tell me to do CPR). That led to a few days in the hospital again. Eventually we were able to go back home and didn't have any repeats. Amazingly she did better than the doctors had hoped. They said her lungs were mature at birth which was a shock. The retracting was from the fast trip down the birth canal (at least that's what they said). She did remain on the monitor for the first year of her life and was on a modified growth chart due to her premature birth. But by the age of 3 she was caught up with other babies her age. Amazingly she had no other issues aside from being 95% deaf and a congenital birth defect that affected her hips and legs, which was correctable with surgery. When she was 6 she had surgery on her legs to correct the tibial torsion and femural torsion (both tibia and femur were twisted and had to be surgically "untwisted") and that should help the hip rotation she has. I am thankful that she has no other issues as a result of her premature birth. I am very lucky. Chenoa is a happy and beautiful 12 year old now. I am one lucky mama.

Nice weekend

It's been a pretty nice weekend around here. Illarian is laying eggs nicely as are the hens. The kids spent quite a bit of time outside since it has been pretty hot here lately. Ken and his wife Tiffany came in from out of state with their daughters to visit. Ken is my youngest son's biological father. It was good to see them. We got to meet Brooklyn (L's newest sibling) and she reminds me so much of L when he was that age. She looks just like L did. Right down to the chubby cheeks and the smiles that never stop. But I tell you, it cured me of the baby fever for now. I look at how life is now that my youngest are both 9 and I think yeah a baby between Daniel and I would be wonderful but, do we really want to have a newborn at this stage in our lives? I am going to be 38 this year and Daniel will be 32. I know we aren't old by any means but while we both would love to have a biological child between us, are we sure we want to start the baby phase over again? And then you have to remember that if we decided to have a child together, it would involved IVF and a gestational surrogate. I can't carry another child. After L was born I had to have an emergency hysterectomy but my OB left me an ovary because he knew I wasn't done having children. I am no stranger to IVF, IUI, fertility drugs and the like. Been there, done that. The biggest hurdle would be financial. We do have a surrogate lined up, just would need the IVF insurance and the financial means that comes with IVF. Which is pretty costly. The meds alone are outrageous in price and chances are the cost has gone up since I last had to deal with the meds.  I'm sure we will eventually decide one way or the other. Just one of the many things that has been on my mind lately.  I hope your weekend was as good as mine was =)

The battle to come

  I never thought that I would have to deal with a dispute with the IRS. But yep it has happened. We filed taxes Feb. 6th, 2012 and they were accepted Feb. 7th, 2012. Got notice that our refund would be deposited on Feb. 15th. And then the date changed to Feb. 28th. Well after spending 2 hours on the phone with the IRS we found out what happened and I wasn't happy. Apparently there was an error on our 2009 taxes that we were unaware of. It has been fixed and now we are having to battle the IRS for this years refund. The Tax advocate called today and has already started the process. She also filed "Hardship" and said that because of the hardship created by not getting our refund, that we qualify for the hardship and can most likely expect to get our refund. She never did say how long we are looking at. My guess is that the IRS will drag it out as long as they can.

Serious Issues

 I am not sure what to think about the latest drama that my ex-husband's wife has created. We all know that I have one hell of a temper and that it has taken me a long long time to learn how to control it. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of focus on my part to learn how to keep my wicked temper from exploding. It has taken me time to learn to turn and walk away from situations that may provoke it when that nerve is touched. I am not perfect and I never will be. But I will not sit and let his wife destroy everything I have worked for. I will not sit and let his wife alienate my children and create a war zone. I worked too hard, for too long to create an atmosphere that is positive for my children. I just don't know what the hell to do anymore. I am so sick of his wife causing a venomous and vile atmosphere. The woman is truly toxic.

Old friendships, new starts

  It's been a rough road for my husband in terms of an old friendship for the last two years. This friendship has always been very important to him and for awhile it was all but non existent. In the last 8 months or so the friendship has become more like it was when they were younger. For the longest time I felt really horrible because one of the reasons that the friendship drifted apart was because Daniel married me. The other reason was Daniel's ex wife. Long story short, the best friend felt like he was left in the dust and the dark, because he didn't know me and had no idea that Daniel was even considering getting married again. The other was that Daniel's ex wife used the best friend to hurt Daniel. It has taken a lot of time and a lot of work to get things back on track to where they are now. I honestly like Daniel's best friend and when I saw how much it was hurting both of them to not be as close as they were before I came along, I sent the best friend an email in an effort to try and bring them back on track and back to where they needed to be in terms of being best friends.  At first I didn't think it would make a difference since there was definitely some mistrust and animosity there due to events that had transpired. But I tried anyway. I'm glad that Daniel and his best friend D***** have for the most part; worked things out. D came and spent the majority of the day over here with us today and it was a really good time for all of us. D is actually a good guy and my wish for him is that he finds the happiness that he deserves so much. I hope he knows that Daniel and I are here for him.

A princess and her goose

    A princess and her goose. That is the most appropriate title I could find to summarize Cherokee and our goose Illarian. Cherokee took an old over sized ottoman that we had in the barn and turned it into a small pool for Illarian. It was interesting to say the least. After I got over the hysterical laughter it provoked, I was amazed that she had come up with the idea. It's not every day that you see the oddities that I see around my little farm. I snapped some quick shots of her creation and then some of Illarian playing in said creation.

And here is Illarian in her makeshift "pond"

It was a sight that made me smile. Illarian has laid 5 eggs in 5 days. Let me tell you they are pretty big eggs LOL

Every note...

   "You can see with your eyes but can you see with your mind? 

Hidden in dreams lies the gateway to Eternity."

Every note. Every melody. Every nuance and corner. Every song. They have a story to be told. But the question is... will you listen and hear the silence? Will you hear the notes in the silence that is not actually silent? Walk through the world that is hidden within the melody.

The weather plays with the power and the power company sees nothing wrong with that...?

     You know what really really sucks? Writing a detailed and lengthy blog entry and when you are just nearing the end and getting ready to hit post, the power surges through the house and your laptop shuts off with all the lights in the house. Said power comes back on relatively quick but everything you wrote, is either gone or so jumbled that you have to rewrite it all. Instead of rewriting it you say screw it, I'll rewrite it later. LOL

 Yeah, i think I will just write it later. Thanks FPL. I appreciate the power surges and how they jumble up my posts when they happen. Not. On the upside of things, my hair has been colored and it turned out awesome once again. Deep Midnight black with a phenomenal layer of deep purple with soft blue and plum hues over the black. Yes, Mistress of Insanity is a happy little mistress today. -smiles broadly- Can't get much better than that now can it?

Color

     I have always done wild and off the wall colors with my hair. My natural hair color is a very deep and dark red purplesque type color. Think a deep burgyndy wine color. Because my natural color is one that you don't see very often, it gave me the perfect platform to do wild and different things with it in terms of other colors. I will never be able to go blonde for instance. Tried it and my natural red is such a deep and dark red that no amount of bleaching lifts it out. Last year I wanted to try magenta and deep purple. I went with Pravana Vivids and Pravana Wilds. I went in and had Ami do the colors for me. She started by telling me that she could 100% bleach my red out. I laughed and told her no, you can't. My hair color is such a dark and unusual shade of red naturally and you will not get all of it bleached out. At most you will come up with a fire orange color. Mark my words. After 4 hours, yes 4 hours...she finally said holy crap Dì you weren't kidding. Ummm yeah, I know HA HA. She did what she could and then layered the Pravana Magenta over it. The result was a startling yet soft magenta PINK. Not exactly what I wanted so Ami trudged on. She layered Pravana Purple mixed with Envy over the magenta. The result was a bit deeper but still definitely not what I wanted. After 5 hours we have finally reached a deep magenta pink with purple hues. Still not quite right. I gave my hair a break for 4 weeks and then tackled it myself at home. I am confident about coloring hair at home simply because I was a hair colorist and nail tech for several years in my younger days. Plus I figured I'm an artist so i know my colors quite a bit. I took Envy and mixed it with Passion (a dark purple) and let it set for an hour. The results were exactly what I had wanted to start with. A deep deep purple with some subtle blue hues. I achieved it by layering the mixed color over a blue based black called Midnight Star. I was thrilled. That color has lasted for over 6 months. Amazing if you ask me. Considering colors normally grow out fairly fast within a 6 week time period. This combination of color has proved to last a lot longer than any other color I have ever done. And I have done a lot to my hair over the years LOL. Just ask my family. I noticed a week ago that it had finally started to grow out some and decided to redo the colors this weekend. So far it's going pretty well. I noticed that the two white streaks that I have in my hair (they are natural snow white streaks btw, that popped up when I was just a teen. Went to bed one night and when I woke up in the morning these two streaks were there. Think Rogue from X-men. That's what they looked like. Stark snow white streaks out of nowhere. Doctors said it was probably from a traumatic event. Umm yeah ok) were starting to resurface and show. That's just not something I'm ready to let show again just yet. So coloring them to match the rest of my hair is what I do. I am going to consider layering a color called Sweet Plum over the colors after all is said and done. We will see how that turns out and whether I like it or not LOL.  For those of you wanting a color that lasts a long time I highly suggest Pravana Chromasilk colors. They last longer, are far easier on your hair and you will like the results better.

Mad Hatter Friday 2-17-2012

  It's Mad hatter Friday once again =)
 My week has been pretty accomplished thus far. I am looking forward to winding down but I know that is not going to happen just yet. This weekend we will be building an enclosure for Illarian, our goose. Which I am happy to say is definitely a female like I had said. Good to know that the non invasive techniques for determining the gender of geese, actually work. It helps that she laid 2 eggs this week that further proved I was correct. HA HA. I have to say though, her eggs are huge compared to my hens eggs. I finally located some game fowl and water fowl feed, so I purchased a 50lb bag to get her through the next 2-4 weeks. I also went ahead and got the next series of 7 in 1 shots for the puppies. 8 puppies means 8 individual injections. At 4.98 a syringe, not bad. So sometime this weekend I will be giving them their next series of immunizations. I am really proactive when it comes to preventing Parvo in dogs. Having went through the Parvo situation with 2 of my dogs years ago, it is not one that I want to revisit any time soon. Snowfire ended up spending almost 2 weeks in the Vet ICU isolation and costing me well over 2 grand. Glaedr spent 4 days in ICU isolation and was about 1500.00. Parvo is a nasty nasty virus and more often than not it kills. Most dogs don't display symptoms of Parvo until it is too late. By the time the dog has the dark runs, you can almost guarantee it's in the final stages of the disease. Yes Parvo can be cured. IF you catch it in the first stage. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting any of my dogs to get Parvo because they had had their shots. What I didn't know is the previous owners had neglected to finish the series of shots out. You can't just give a dog one shot and be done with it. It is a series of shots. In two weeks I will be getting the dogs in for their rabies boosters (the older dogs) and their first rabies (the puppies).  This weekend also holds for us, the job of changing the oil in the new truck we purchased and switching the ignition and door locks out. Shouldn't take but 5-6 hours from what Daniel said. Ask me how long it actually took, after it has been done. HA HA.

   Daniel is starting back to school this coming week. He is doing college for Criminal Justice and Forensics. Looks like I won't be the only one with a Forensics degree anymore. Between him and Dakota, looks like there will be 3 of us in Forensics. However, they will be the two that make use of the degrees. Mine has pretty much just sat as an achievement on my wall. Which is fine for me. For now. I will be starting back to college yet again, for the upteenth time and will be pursuing Archaeology and Anthropology (the forensic aspect of it) as well as finally going for my Masters in Fine Arts and Photography. Cherokee and Shawnee are doing really well with home school right now. Both are in 7th grade and making significant progress.  I'm proud of them all. Cheyenne is finally finishing up her Marine Biology classes that she needs for her veterinarian degree. That leaves her with tackling the rest of the classes she needs.

     Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. Maybe I'll have something more to write about later lol

It's been a busy week...so far

     It has been a bit busy around here this week. I have been battling some stomach virus. At least thats what I think it is. I was actually feeling somewhat decent yesterday for most of the day. But then at around 7pm, BAM! it hit me full force once again. Only with it came nausea and stomach pain. I know what caused the nausea though. I don't get hunger pains like most people do when they are hungry. For me I have to remind myself to eat because of that. I have been like that since I was a kid according to my parents. For years I battled to gain weight. Being anemic and having Graves disease on top of SLE Lupus and RA, have created a "perfect storm" of sorts. Two years ago I weighed in at 98lbs. I managed to gain weight and got up to 100-105 lbs. But I still felt that I was entirely too skinny. There is definitely such a thing as being way too thin.  Last year I set a goal for myself to get to a healthy weight. I wanted to get to about 120 - 130 lbs. Which is ideal and "healthy" for my height and age. I am 5ft 7 1/2 and 37 years old. At this point I met my goal weight and then some. I now weigh 135 - 140 lbs. I look so much healthier and my hips are not bony anymore. But I still have to consciously remind myself to eat. It's hard for me because I get so busy and when you don't get the normal feeling of being hungry, you tend to just blow through meal times. Daniel has been a blessing in that area. He is 6ft 2in and a "big boy". It took him a bit to understand just why I don't get the normal hunger pains. So he actively makes sure I remember to eat. I know, I know, you are probably sitting there saying "How the hell do you forget to eat?!?"... trust me, I wish I knew why I am like this. So anyways, back to yesterday. The nausea came from not eating.  At least that's what I attribute it to. It's been like that for so long that I have just come to accept that is probably my hunger pains. I hadn't eaten in almost 48hrs, which is bad bad bad. Finally I was just feeling so bad that all I could really do is curl up on the bed and close my eyes. Rocking back and forth. I know, reminiscent of baby times right? Ha ha. Thankfully Cherokee knows the signs and said "Mama, you haven't eaten and you need to eat. It will help make you feel better." She brought me a small plate of pizza rolls since they are quick and would help ease the hunger fairly fast. I think I sat here eating them with my eyes closed. Ha ha. Chenoa came in and sat down next to me and rubbed my arm and said "Mama are you okay? I want you to feel better. I love you mama." I am so blessed to have such wonderful kids. Cherokee, Shawnee, Chenoa and Cheyenne all kept checking on me. Poor Daniel didn't know what to do other than kiss me and tell me I Love you baby. I have such a wonderful family. Did I mention that? Ha ha.

     We finally found a vehicle and brought it home last night. It's an older vehicle but it runs really great. We opted to get a 89 GMC Sierra 2500. Full size 1/2 ton pick-up truck. Other than a few minor cosmetic issues, it is sound and reliable. Now to get tags on it =)

     So here I sit at 3am, wide awake now and watching The Shift on Netflix. How has your week been so far?

Senseless

  It seems like it't been nothing but stress and drama in the last few weeks. just when you think things are amicable with you and and ex, it all goes south and reminds you that it most likely will never be truly amicable. Know what I mean? My husband has been so supportive and has been my strength through everything for years now. I draw my strength and compassion from him and my kids. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I lean on them and my strength is renewed somehow. Amazing.

   My husband writes on his own blog every rare moment in time. He recently wrote something and I want to share it with you. And I want to expand on that as well.

My husband's blog entry:

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2012

People & Their Stupidity

Its been a while..... I have recently discovered just how far stupidity will take & drowned down people. The most recent instance I am referring to is my wife's EX husband's wife.. my wife & her EX made an agreement for taxes this year... He claims their kids & send half to my wife. Well this would still give him & his wife a larger refund & give us the ability to get things we need.... a car...... clothes, shoes etc for the kids. But the catch is... HIS WIFE didn't want him to claim the kids & when they found out how much they were getting back SHE then didn't want to send any  of the money to my wife... Which if he didn't would cause them the loss of more than they want to in tax fraud & such. A few days after he got his return he sent a check from his bank to us. That's fine whatever even though he was told to wire it due to reasons of needing it that day... His wife then decided to put her nose & mouth in a situation that didn't concern her. we asked for some help until we got that money & was told no even though the help was for the kids. reason given..... get this...... The EX husband's wife didn't want to give my wife a damn penny & stated that she & others here need to get a job & quit expecting every damn thing to be handed to her. Then last night she decided to send an e-mail to my wife. This e-mail stated to the effect that she has EVERY right to ANYTHING with her husband & can have contact with HIS kids (kids that has no relationship to her aside from their father) & that she will NEVER come back here because all she is while here is miserable. Then another e-mail comes in saying she don't care about the kids, what they say about her nor what they think of her..... see the stupidity drowning down people yet???? I am just a step father to the kids in the middle of this.... I respect both parents enough & as a step parent i know my role is to gain the trust, respect, & love of the kids that are in my care..... Their father has not & is not paying child support.... So the judge said in the MOTHER & FATHER"S divorce no child support to be paid as mother ( who has sole custody) as refused. The father's new wife now wants to say the kid's mother  is all about money.... HHHMMMMM she has stopped 2 different states from getting child support from him & it would be evident that if the mother wanted money from him, which by the way the courts says if mother asks for money for the kids NEEDS he IS TO GIVE IT, no questions asked. So who is about the money now?

Can you hear his heartache in that posting? The man watches his wife's ex treat her and her kids like crap. He watches him try to tear her down even though they are divorced and have been for almost 8 years. I commend my husband for holding his tongue and keeping his temper under wraps. When my ex and I divorced the ONLY thing I wanted was custody of my kids. I have been the one to care for the kids every moment of their lives. I am the one has done it all. And 99% of it I did alone. Just me and the kids.  I never asked for money. Ever. In fact I flat out refused to take child support. To the point that the judge was not very happy that I refused to take it. In fact the judge made a statement that said " In the 35 years that I have been presiding over family court and divorce cases, You are the first ex wife that has steadfastly refused a single dime. You are the first to come into my courtroom and refuse child support." I didn't want a single penny from my ex. All I wanted was sole custody of my kids. I wanted nothing more than to be free of my ex. With my children. I got what I wanted. When the divorce papers were finalized, the judge did not order child support and stated why. Instead he did state in them that if the mother needs any financial help with the kids and for the kids, the father is to give it 100% and freely when the mother asks.  Over the last 8 years I have only asked my ex 3 or 4 times for any type of help financially. It was always the general "The kids need shoes", "The kids need school supplies or clothes". And in the last 8 years my ex has rarely helped during those 3 or 4 times I asked.  He remarried last year on my son's 16th birthday. He called here not to talk to the kids and not to wish his own son happy birthday that day, but to say "I got married. You should congratulate me." Nice isn't it? His wife is a very manipulative and controlling snake. She is definitely toxic and not someone that most people want to be around. She doesn't get along with people very well and she is as pathological as they come. I gave her the benefit of the doubt even though all my Forensic training and law enforcement background was screaming at me not to. As evidenced from my last couple of blog entries, my intuition that she was not to be trusted and was toxic, proved to be correct once again. Things came to an explosive head last week and over this weekend. I finally told my ex that he won't hear from me and unless he calls the kids then he is going to finish destroying his relationship with his kids. I am not his keeper. It is not my job to ensure that he maintains a relationship with the kids. It is his responsibility as a PARENT to ensure that he maintains that relationship. I have walked away from trying to do that for him. The kids are definitely old enough to see things for themselves. And frankly, he has shown them more often than not, what a callous and destructive person he is. He has proven time and time again to them that he is selfish and thinks of no one but himself most of the time. He seems to think that he can be a part time parent and expect them to not be angry over it. I'm sorry but kids are not a toy that you can put on a shelf when you don't want to play with them. They aren't a commodity that you can pull out and dust off when it's convenient for you to do so. You are either a parent or you aren't. I'm sorry but I am a mother. I will always be a mother. I will always hurt when my babies hurt. I will cry when they cry. I will be angry when they have been wronged. I will be a mother until my last breath and then some. I'm angry. I'm angry that he thinks that he can just walk in and out of my kids lives as if it is not supposed to affect them. I am angry that he has all but destroyed his relationship with them. I am angry that he has hurt them so many times emotionally, that I have to keep picking up the pieces. I am angry at HIM. I am angry at his wife. It was bad enough that he he only called MAYBE 4 or 5 times a year prior to marrying her. And in the last 4 years he has only seen them TWICE. His choice mind you. And it has just gotten worse since he married her. At least prior to him marrying her, he helped with things the kids needed a few times. Now...never happens. She is all about the money, yet she wants to sit and say that I am? Excuse me but I didn't create these children by myself. It is his duty as a parent to make sure his kids have what they need.  I got news for both my ex and his wife...You have alienated the kids so much and for so long, that they don't really want anything to do with you right now. No amount of me telling them that you love them has changed that. They see what they see and they have formed their own opinions of you as their father. And I find it heartbreaking to have to listen to my children say they love their father because he is their father but they don't like him. It is utterly heartbreaking. And this time, I have no words to sooth their pain. They are tired of hearing the words and their father not showing the actions that a loving father shows. I thank the gods that they view Daniel as more than a step father. They look up to him like a dad.

 The only words I have left for my ex is:
 You made your bed. Now you get to lie in it. You are the one who has all but destroyed the most precious thing you have ever been given, your relationship with your kids. I don't feel pity for you any longer. Instead I feel anger. I feel the betrayal that you have heaped on my children. Children that YOU helped create. That you were supposed to protect and love. Cherish. I find it sad that you are far more concerned with getting into a woman's panties than you are with your own children. I have nothing but anger for you because you chose to hurt my children. Shame on you. I hope that you one day will open your eyes and see just what you have thrown to the wayside. I just hope you realize it before the last tenuous thread that is left, breaks. You are losing the one thing in your life that should mean the most to you. Your children. Yes they love you but right now, they also hate you. I can't say that I blame them either.






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I knew it was coming

 Yes, I knew it was coming. I saw it before it happened. And just as I saw it beforehand, it happened exactly the way I thought it would. Be warned that the language contained in this particular post is not tempered nor polite.

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My ex's wife sent a series of emails. Further proving she is a heartless bitch that cares for no one but herself.  I am stunned that this woman has said and now in writing, that she doesn't give a damn about the children that her husband has. I find it shocking that this woman finds nothing wrong with the venom and toxic  bullshit that she spews to those children. MY children. The amount of hatred this woman has is astonishing. How can one woman be filled with so much hatred, so much venom, that she actively seeks to alienate and hurt someone else's children? How can someone do something like that? I find it astonishing and I am sitting here just shocked. I don't understand how one can have such a warped and twisted view that they find nothing wrong with being so toxic and venomous. The one thing I CAN say though....The bitch has picked the wrong family to target. I will not sit back and do nothing. I will not allow her to spread her toxicity and venom to my children. If she thinks that I will just stand back and let her treat my kids like this, she has another thing coming. I am just shocked. Shocked that she is such a selfish, ungrateful, self centered, egotistical, venomous, toxic bitch.  I'm...wow....I'm done. I have not sent a response to her emails and I will not do so. I am not going to do it. Not until I am calmer and thinking clearly. I do have to wonder though if my ex is even aware that she sent these emails. And if he IS aware of the hate mails, why is he allowing her to do this to his kids? Wow is all I can still manage hours later.

One proud mama

     I am one proud mama. As you know my daughter Elizabethe-Ane died 17 years ago. My daughter Cheyenne wrote a poem for Elizabethe-Ane in 2009-2010. That poem has been selected as a semi finalist in a world poetry contest. That poem has been selected for publication in a beautiful book that will be in The Library of Congress. Cheyenne didn't tell me she had submitted the poem until today. When a letter arrived saying that she is a semi finalist in a world poetry event that has a grand prize of 1000.00. The letter stated the poem will be published whether she wins or not.  I am so proud of my girl. I am proud to be her mother, her best friend. I have no words for the emotions I have right now. My daughter. My baby girl. I am blessed to be her mama.

I know what's coming

     After the explosive argument with my ex I sat down several hours later and wrote an email to him. And then I wrote one to his wife and forwarded a copy of the email in its entirety to him. I did that so that there is no way she can twist what I said. Should I have sent her an email? Probably not. But I needed closure for myself. I have walked away from the situation and voiced my own opinions of the entire situation. I chose to wait until I was calm and level headed to write both emails. If I had written them when I was angry, it would have made the situation much worse. Even now, it will probably result in an explosive backlash from his wife and possibly from him. For whatever reason his wife doesn't want him to have an amicable friendship with the mother of his children (i.e. Me). I can now say that I tried. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to maintain a positive atmosphere with her, for the sake of my kids. I can't do anything more. -shrugs- What more does she want? She doesn't want my ex to have a viable relationship with his kids and she doesn't want him to have no contact with them either. So what the hell does she want? One or the other. Right?  Well, nothing more I can do. It is not my responsibility to make sure that he maintains a relationship with his kids.