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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Another year....has come and gone

Behind the mask, lies tears of pain.....

Another day...another year. Every moment has been counted and documented in my mind. Every second locked up in my heart, in that special place that only you will ever hold the key to. Anger, sorrow, tears, broken, emptiness but yet a smile creeps in at times, a smile that comes with the knowledge that you are watching over me, protecting that special place within me.

Every image I have of you in my mind, I treasure and cherish even more each time I go thru them. Thoughts that consume me at times, give me solace that I briefly, for a moment.... held an angel. I can't deny that it hurts, because it does...greatly. No mother should ever have to feel the pain that I do every year in October. Its a pain that is beyond imaginable for those who have never had to let go of their child. They try to understand, but can't quite do so. I would and could never wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Its crushing. At times it makes you feel like you can't breathe. Everyone told me that as time slipped on, that the pain would lessen, that I'd be able to accept the fact that you were gone. How very wrong they were. That pain....never lessened. Its still as strong today as it was that fateful day that I lost you.

Sometimes, I sit in the darkness, alone...and think about you. I think about everything that should have been. I think about what it would have been like to watch you take your first steps, hear you say Mama, watch you dry your tears when you were hurt....But I will never know because you were taken from me and given wings to fly....before I ever got the chance to see any of it.

I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I loved you the moment you slipped away and passed on. Not many can say they have seen an angel...but I can say.....I held one briefly. And I cherish each moment I had with you.

Fifteen long years will have passed since you died, come October 24th. Fifteen years without my little girl, fifteen years without being able to see you, hold you, comfort you. In those fifteen years, I have thought of you daily, wished that you were here...daily. In those fifteen years I have learned fifteen things about myself that center around losing you.
1- I learned to forgive.
2- I learned to live.
3- I learned what passion was.
4- I learned what it was like to lose something so precious.
5- I learned to give all that I have when I do things.
6- I learned to GIVE chances.
7- I learned to TAKE chances.
8. I learned to let go of certain things.
9- I learned what makes me stronger.
10- I learned to help others.
11- I learned to accept others.
12- I learned that not everything is in our control.
13- I learned that life can often times be cruel.
14- I learned that when we learn to love another, so completely, without abandon, no fear, for who they are, not what or who we want them to be....That we can get thru anything in life. That it makes us a better person. I learned to not be selfish and condemming of others. I learned that no matter what others think of me, that its what I think of myself that matters the most. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can expect others to forgive us. We have to learn to LOVE ourselves before we can even begin to expect someone else to love us for WHO and WHAT we are. There are things in life that we have no control over and nothing we do will change that. I learned that while we may not agree with it, nor want to accept it, its just how fate works, its just how it is.
and the biggest lesson I learned.....
15-I have learned to cherish every moment, every chance, every breath, every dream. I learned to cherish every touch, every person who comes into my life. I learned to give my heart and soul to another and cherish the one who holds them.

I will go thru my life with my angel in my heart. I will always remember the brief moments I held you, however brief they left footprints in my heart that will never fade.

I love you Elizabethe-Ane Maree....and remember that mama has never let others forget who you are and who you were to ME.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

October is upon us again.....

October has come upon us again....sneaking in quietly and gently. This year October is cold and the weather has changed sooner than usual. Solitary thoughts elude me this time. Moments of solace and quiet are nowhere to be found. dreams and visions of what should have been haunt me more than usual. I see her standing there, smile upon her face, wings spread fully.....ready to embrace and comfort. I find the tears cloud my eyes, and memories of her flood my mind. A breeze, a kiss...a dream, a touch...she haunts my memories, my heart, my soul....every image in my mind is of her. i can feel her breathing and whispering upon my ear. I remember every moment of that day, every emotion, every thought. Even now I am still searching for the reasons and the why of it all. Even now I can't make any sense of it, or understand it. I try so hard to understand it, to be at peace with it. I can't seem to do so. Every year I find myself spiraling during the month of October, makes me feel out of control and lost. Why me? Why my little girl? Why was she chosen to become an angel before she had even lived her life? I have so many questions that remain unanswered 15 yrs later. I realize I may never get the answers that I seek but I can still search for them and hope. I miss her every day of my life, every moment. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about her.

Thoughts swirl thru my mind randomly, triggering memories and emotions that I thought I had buried long ago. Maybe one day i can rest my head in peace and accept the fact that she is gone. Its been 15 yrs since that fateful day....yes I have counted, right down to the moments. I have counted every moment, every empty space, every memory has been documented in my mind. I always tell myself that things are okay that its normal to grieve....for 15 yrs. No mother should ever outlive their child....ever. Its not natural, and it sure as hell is not normal. Am I a freak? Am I not "normal" simply because i still mourn the loss of my daughter, 15 yrs later? I relive every moment, every heart breaking second, as if it were fresh and new. I feel exhausted, I feel.....lost and a part of my heart is empty without her in my life. Haunted dreams and memories are no fun to live with, trust me when I say that. Even now I cry myself to sleep....simply because I miss her so much and its not fair in any sense that I have to live without her. Its not fair that she didn't get the chance to grow up and become a beautiful young woman. Those who have never lost a child, can't understand, but some do TRY. I admire those who try to understand my pain, my grief, my sensitivity. I really do and I appreciate it to the deepest depths of my black heart. Am I jaded? I suppose I am when it comes to a child loss. Its heartbreaking in every sense of the word. Its a pain that is deep and spirals you out of control. You forget how to keep your emotions in check and have to relearn how to do so all over again.

-To be continued-
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