The battle to come

  I never thought that I would have to deal with a dispute with the IRS. But yep it has happened. We filed taxes Feb. 6th, 2012 and they were accepted Feb. 7th, 2012. Got notice that our refund would be deposited on Feb. 15th. And then the date changed to Feb. 28th. Well after spending 2 hours on the phone with the IRS we found out what happened and I wasn't happy. Apparently there was an error on our 2009 taxes that we were unaware of. It has been fixed and now we are having to battle the IRS for this years refund. The Tax advocate called today and has already started the process. She also filed "Hardship" and said that because of the hardship created by not getting our refund, that we qualify for the hardship and can most likely expect to get our refund. She never did say how long we are looking at. My guess is that the IRS will drag it out as long as they can.

Serious Issues

 I am not sure what to think about the latest drama that my ex-husband's wife has created. We all know that I have one hell of a temper and that it has taken me a long long time to learn how to control it. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of focus on my part to learn how to keep my wicked temper from exploding. It has taken me time to learn to turn and walk away from situations that may provoke it when that nerve is touched. I am not perfect and I never will be. But I will not sit and let his wife destroy everything I have worked for. I will not sit and let his wife alienate my children and create a war zone. I worked too hard, for too long to create an atmosphere that is positive for my children. I just don't know what the hell to do anymore. I am so sick of his wife causing a venomous and vile atmosphere. The woman is truly toxic.

Old friendships, new starts

  It's been a rough road for my husband in terms of an old friendship for the last two years. This friendship has always been very important to him and for awhile it was all but non existent. In the last 8 months or so the friendship has become more like it was when they were younger. For the longest time I felt really horrible because one of the reasons that the friendship drifted apart was because Daniel married me. The other reason was Daniel's ex wife. Long story short, the best friend felt like he was left in the dust and the dark, because he didn't know me and had no idea that Daniel was even considering getting married again. The other was that Daniel's ex wife used the best friend to hurt Daniel. It has taken a lot of time and a lot of work to get things back on track to where they are now. I honestly like Daniel's best friend and when I saw how much it was hurting both of them to not be as close as they were before I came along, I sent the best friend an email in an effort to try and bring them back on track and back to where they needed to be in terms of being best friends.  At first I didn't think it would make a difference since there was definitely some mistrust and animosity there due to events that had transpired. But I tried anyway. I'm glad that Daniel and his best friend D***** have for the most part; worked things out. D came and spent the majority of the day over here with us today and it was a really good time for all of us. D is actually a good guy and my wish for him is that he finds the happiness that he deserves so much. I hope he knows that Daniel and I are here for him.

A princess and her goose

    A princess and her goose. That is the most appropriate title I could find to summarize Cherokee and our goose Illarian. Cherokee took an old over sized ottoman that we had in the barn and turned it into a small pool for Illarian. It was interesting to say the least. After I got over the hysterical laughter it provoked, I was amazed that she had come up with the idea. It's not every day that you see the oddities that I see around my little farm. I snapped some quick shots of her creation and then some of Illarian playing in said creation.

And here is Illarian in her makeshift "pond"

It was a sight that made me smile. Illarian has laid 5 eggs in 5 days. Let me tell you they are pretty big eggs LOL

Every note...

   "You can see with your eyes but can you see with your mind? 

Hidden in dreams lies the gateway to Eternity."

Every note. Every melody. Every nuance and corner. Every song. They have a story to be told. But the question is... will you listen and hear the silence? Will you hear the notes in the silence that is not actually silent? Walk through the world that is hidden within the melody.

The weather plays with the power and the power company sees nothing wrong with that...?

     You know what really really sucks? Writing a detailed and lengthy blog entry and when you are just nearing the end and getting ready to hit post, the power surges through the house and your laptop shuts off with all the lights in the house. Said power comes back on relatively quick but everything you wrote, is either gone or so jumbled that you have to rewrite it all. Instead of rewriting it you say screw it, I'll rewrite it later. LOL

 Yeah, i think I will just write it later. Thanks FPL. I appreciate the power surges and how they jumble up my posts when they happen. Not. On the upside of things, my hair has been colored and it turned out awesome once again. Deep Midnight black with a phenomenal layer of deep purple with soft blue and plum hues over the black. Yes, Mistress of Insanity is a happy little mistress today. -smiles broadly- Can't get much better than that now can it?

Color

     I have always done wild and off the wall colors with my hair. My natural hair color is a very deep and dark red purplesque type color. Think a deep burgyndy wine color. Because my natural color is one that you don't see very often, it gave me the perfect platform to do wild and different things with it in terms of other colors. I will never be able to go blonde for instance. Tried it and my natural red is such a deep and dark red that no amount of bleaching lifts it out. Last year I wanted to try magenta and deep purple. I went with Pravana Vivids and Pravana Wilds. I went in and had Ami do the colors for me. She started by telling me that she could 100% bleach my red out. I laughed and told her no, you can't. My hair color is such a dark and unusual shade of red naturally and you will not get all of it bleached out. At most you will come up with a fire orange color. Mark my words. After 4 hours, yes 4 hours...she finally said holy crap Dì you weren't kidding. Ummm yeah, I know HA HA. She did what she could and then layered the Pravana Magenta over it. The result was a startling yet soft magenta PINK. Not exactly what I wanted so Ami trudged on. She layered Pravana Purple mixed with Envy over the magenta. The result was a bit deeper but still definitely not what I wanted. After 5 hours we have finally reached a deep magenta pink with purple hues. Still not quite right. I gave my hair a break for 4 weeks and then tackled it myself at home. I am confident about coloring hair at home simply because I was a hair colorist and nail tech for several years in my younger days. Plus I figured I'm an artist so i know my colors quite a bit. I took Envy and mixed it with Passion (a dark purple) and let it set for an hour. The results were exactly what I had wanted to start with. A deep deep purple with some subtle blue hues. I achieved it by layering the mixed color over a blue based black called Midnight Star. I was thrilled. That color has lasted for over 6 months. Amazing if you ask me. Considering colors normally grow out fairly fast within a 6 week time period. This combination of color has proved to last a lot longer than any other color I have ever done. And I have done a lot to my hair over the years LOL. Just ask my family. I noticed a week ago that it had finally started to grow out some and decided to redo the colors this weekend. So far it's going pretty well. I noticed that the two white streaks that I have in my hair (they are natural snow white streaks btw, that popped up when I was just a teen. Went to bed one night and when I woke up in the morning these two streaks were there. Think Rogue from X-men. That's what they looked like. Stark snow white streaks out of nowhere. Doctors said it was probably from a traumatic event. Umm yeah ok) were starting to resurface and show. That's just not something I'm ready to let show again just yet. So coloring them to match the rest of my hair is what I do. I am going to consider layering a color called Sweet Plum over the colors after all is said and done. We will see how that turns out and whether I like it or not LOL.  For those of you wanting a color that lasts a long time I highly suggest Pravana Chromasilk colors. They last longer, are far easier on your hair and you will like the results better.

Mad Hatter Friday 2-17-2012

  It's Mad hatter Friday once again =)
 My week has been pretty accomplished thus far. I am looking forward to winding down but I know that is not going to happen just yet. This weekend we will be building an enclosure for Illarian, our goose. Which I am happy to say is definitely a female like I had said. Good to know that the non invasive techniques for determining the gender of geese, actually work. It helps that she laid 2 eggs this week that further proved I was correct. HA HA. I have to say though, her eggs are huge compared to my hens eggs. I finally located some game fowl and water fowl feed, so I purchased a 50lb bag to get her through the next 2-4 weeks. I also went ahead and got the next series of 7 in 1 shots for the puppies. 8 puppies means 8 individual injections. At 4.98 a syringe, not bad. So sometime this weekend I will be giving them their next series of immunizations. I am really proactive when it comes to preventing Parvo in dogs. Having went through the Parvo situation with 2 of my dogs years ago, it is not one that I want to revisit any time soon. Snowfire ended up spending almost 2 weeks in the Vet ICU isolation and costing me well over 2 grand. Glaedr spent 4 days in ICU isolation and was about 1500.00. Parvo is a nasty nasty virus and more often than not it kills. Most dogs don't display symptoms of Parvo until it is too late. By the time the dog has the dark runs, you can almost guarantee it's in the final stages of the disease. Yes Parvo can be cured. IF you catch it in the first stage. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting any of my dogs to get Parvo because they had had their shots. What I didn't know is the previous owners had neglected to finish the series of shots out. You can't just give a dog one shot and be done with it. It is a series of shots. In two weeks I will be getting the dogs in for their rabies boosters (the older dogs) and their first rabies (the puppies).  This weekend also holds for us, the job of changing the oil in the new truck we purchased and switching the ignition and door locks out. Shouldn't take but 5-6 hours from what Daniel said. Ask me how long it actually took, after it has been done. HA HA.

   Daniel is starting back to school this coming week. He is doing college for Criminal Justice and Forensics. Looks like I won't be the only one with a Forensics degree anymore. Between him and Dakota, looks like there will be 3 of us in Forensics. However, they will be the two that make use of the degrees. Mine has pretty much just sat as an achievement on my wall. Which is fine for me. For now. I will be starting back to college yet again, for the upteenth time and will be pursuing Archaeology and Anthropology (the forensic aspect of it) as well as finally going for my Masters in Fine Arts and Photography. Cherokee and Shawnee are doing really well with home school right now. Both are in 7th grade and making significant progress.  I'm proud of them all. Cheyenne is finally finishing up her Marine Biology classes that she needs for her veterinarian degree. That leaves her with tackling the rest of the classes she needs.

     Well, I am going to wrap this up for now. Maybe I'll have something more to write about later lol

It's been a busy week...so far

     It has been a bit busy around here this week. I have been battling some stomach virus. At least thats what I think it is. I was actually feeling somewhat decent yesterday for most of the day. But then at around 7pm, BAM! it hit me full force once again. Only with it came nausea and stomach pain. I know what caused the nausea though. I don't get hunger pains like most people do when they are hungry. For me I have to remind myself to eat because of that. I have been like that since I was a kid according to my parents. For years I battled to gain weight. Being anemic and having Graves disease on top of SLE Lupus and RA, have created a "perfect storm" of sorts. Two years ago I weighed in at 98lbs. I managed to gain weight and got up to 100-105 lbs. But I still felt that I was entirely too skinny. There is definitely such a thing as being way too thin.  Last year I set a goal for myself to get to a healthy weight. I wanted to get to about 120 - 130 lbs. Which is ideal and "healthy" for my height and age. I am 5ft 7 1/2 and 37 years old. At this point I met my goal weight and then some. I now weigh 135 - 140 lbs. I look so much healthier and my hips are not bony anymore. But I still have to consciously remind myself to eat. It's hard for me because I get so busy and when you don't get the normal feeling of being hungry, you tend to just blow through meal times. Daniel has been a blessing in that area. He is 6ft 2in and a "big boy". It took him a bit to understand just why I don't get the normal hunger pains. So he actively makes sure I remember to eat. I know, I know, you are probably sitting there saying "How the hell do you forget to eat?!?"... trust me, I wish I knew why I am like this. So anyways, back to yesterday. The nausea came from not eating.  At least that's what I attribute it to. It's been like that for so long that I have just come to accept that is probably my hunger pains. I hadn't eaten in almost 48hrs, which is bad bad bad. Finally I was just feeling so bad that all I could really do is curl up on the bed and close my eyes. Rocking back and forth. I know, reminiscent of baby times right? Ha ha. Thankfully Cherokee knows the signs and said "Mama, you haven't eaten and you need to eat. It will help make you feel better." She brought me a small plate of pizza rolls since they are quick and would help ease the hunger fairly fast. I think I sat here eating them with my eyes closed. Ha ha. Chenoa came in and sat down next to me and rubbed my arm and said "Mama are you okay? I want you to feel better. I love you mama." I am so blessed to have such wonderful kids. Cherokee, Shawnee, Chenoa and Cheyenne all kept checking on me. Poor Daniel didn't know what to do other than kiss me and tell me I Love you baby. I have such a wonderful family. Did I mention that? Ha ha.

     We finally found a vehicle and brought it home last night. It's an older vehicle but it runs really great. We opted to get a 89 GMC Sierra 2500. Full size 1/2 ton pick-up truck. Other than a few minor cosmetic issues, it is sound and reliable. Now to get tags on it =)

     So here I sit at 3am, wide awake now and watching The Shift on Netflix. How has your week been so far?

Senseless

  It seems like it't been nothing but stress and drama in the last few weeks. just when you think things are amicable with you and and ex, it all goes south and reminds you that it most likely will never be truly amicable. Know what I mean? My husband has been so supportive and has been my strength through everything for years now. I draw my strength and compassion from him and my kids. When I feel like I can't take it anymore, I lean on them and my strength is renewed somehow. Amazing.

   My husband writes on his own blog every rare moment in time. He recently wrote something and I want to share it with you. And I want to expand on that as well.

My husband's blog entry:

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2012

People & Their Stupidity

Its been a while..... I have recently discovered just how far stupidity will take & drowned down people. The most recent instance I am referring to is my wife's EX husband's wife.. my wife & her EX made an agreement for taxes this year... He claims their kids & send half to my wife. Well this would still give him & his wife a larger refund & give us the ability to get things we need.... a car...... clothes, shoes etc for the kids. But the catch is... HIS WIFE didn't want him to claim the kids & when they found out how much they were getting back SHE then didn't want to send any  of the money to my wife... Which if he didn't would cause them the loss of more than they want to in tax fraud & such. A few days after he got his return he sent a check from his bank to us. That's fine whatever even though he was told to wire it due to reasons of needing it that day... His wife then decided to put her nose & mouth in a situation that didn't concern her. we asked for some help until we got that money & was told no even though the help was for the kids. reason given..... get this...... The EX husband's wife didn't want to give my wife a damn penny & stated that she & others here need to get a job & quit expecting every damn thing to be handed to her. Then last night she decided to send an e-mail to my wife. This e-mail stated to the effect that she has EVERY right to ANYTHING with her husband & can have contact with HIS kids (kids that has no relationship to her aside from their father) & that she will NEVER come back here because all she is while here is miserable. Then another e-mail comes in saying she don't care about the kids, what they say about her nor what they think of her..... see the stupidity drowning down people yet???? I am just a step father to the kids in the middle of this.... I respect both parents enough & as a step parent i know my role is to gain the trust, respect, & love of the kids that are in my care..... Their father has not & is not paying child support.... So the judge said in the MOTHER & FATHER"S divorce no child support to be paid as mother ( who has sole custody) as refused. The father's new wife now wants to say the kid's mother  is all about money.... HHHMMMMM she has stopped 2 different states from getting child support from him & it would be evident that if the mother wanted money from him, which by the way the courts says if mother asks for money for the kids NEEDS he IS TO GIVE IT, no questions asked. So who is about the money now?

Can you hear his heartache in that posting? The man watches his wife's ex treat her and her kids like crap. He watches him try to tear her down even though they are divorced and have been for almost 8 years. I commend my husband for holding his tongue and keeping his temper under wraps. When my ex and I divorced the ONLY thing I wanted was custody of my kids. I have been the one to care for the kids every moment of their lives. I am the one has done it all. And 99% of it I did alone. Just me and the kids.  I never asked for money. Ever. In fact I flat out refused to take child support. To the point that the judge was not very happy that I refused to take it. In fact the judge made a statement that said " In the 35 years that I have been presiding over family court and divorce cases, You are the first ex wife that has steadfastly refused a single dime. You are the first to come into my courtroom and refuse child support." I didn't want a single penny from my ex. All I wanted was sole custody of my kids. I wanted nothing more than to be free of my ex. With my children. I got what I wanted. When the divorce papers were finalized, the judge did not order child support and stated why. Instead he did state in them that if the mother needs any financial help with the kids and for the kids, the father is to give it 100% and freely when the mother asks.  Over the last 8 years I have only asked my ex 3 or 4 times for any type of help financially. It was always the general "The kids need shoes", "The kids need school supplies or clothes". And in the last 8 years my ex has rarely helped during those 3 or 4 times I asked.  He remarried last year on my son's 16th birthday. He called here not to talk to the kids and not to wish his own son happy birthday that day, but to say "I got married. You should congratulate me." Nice isn't it? His wife is a very manipulative and controlling snake. She is definitely toxic and not someone that most people want to be around. She doesn't get along with people very well and she is as pathological as they come. I gave her the benefit of the doubt even though all my Forensic training and law enforcement background was screaming at me not to. As evidenced from my last couple of blog entries, my intuition that she was not to be trusted and was toxic, proved to be correct once again. Things came to an explosive head last week and over this weekend. I finally told my ex that he won't hear from me and unless he calls the kids then he is going to finish destroying his relationship with his kids. I am not his keeper. It is not my job to ensure that he maintains a relationship with the kids. It is his responsibility as a PARENT to ensure that he maintains that relationship. I have walked away from trying to do that for him. The kids are definitely old enough to see things for themselves. And frankly, he has shown them more often than not, what a callous and destructive person he is. He has proven time and time again to them that he is selfish and thinks of no one but himself most of the time. He seems to think that he can be a part time parent and expect them to not be angry over it. I'm sorry but kids are not a toy that you can put on a shelf when you don't want to play with them. They aren't a commodity that you can pull out and dust off when it's convenient for you to do so. You are either a parent or you aren't. I'm sorry but I am a mother. I will always be a mother. I will always hurt when my babies hurt. I will cry when they cry. I will be angry when they have been wronged. I will be a mother until my last breath and then some. I'm angry. I'm angry that he thinks that he can just walk in and out of my kids lives as if it is not supposed to affect them. I am angry that he has all but destroyed his relationship with them. I am angry that he has hurt them so many times emotionally, that I have to keep picking up the pieces. I am angry at HIM. I am angry at his wife. It was bad enough that he he only called MAYBE 4 or 5 times a year prior to marrying her. And in the last 4 years he has only seen them TWICE. His choice mind you. And it has just gotten worse since he married her. At least prior to him marrying her, he helped with things the kids needed a few times. Now...never happens. She is all about the money, yet she wants to sit and say that I am? Excuse me but I didn't create these children by myself. It is his duty as a parent to make sure his kids have what they need.  I got news for both my ex and his wife...You have alienated the kids so much and for so long, that they don't really want anything to do with you right now. No amount of me telling them that you love them has changed that. They see what they see and they have formed their own opinions of you as their father. And I find it heartbreaking to have to listen to my children say they love their father because he is their father but they don't like him. It is utterly heartbreaking. And this time, I have no words to sooth their pain. They are tired of hearing the words and their father not showing the actions that a loving father shows. I thank the gods that they view Daniel as more than a step father. They look up to him like a dad.

 The only words I have left for my ex is:
 You made your bed. Now you get to lie in it. You are the one who has all but destroyed the most precious thing you have ever been given, your relationship with your kids. I don't feel pity for you any longer. Instead I feel anger. I feel the betrayal that you have heaped on my children. Children that YOU helped create. That you were supposed to protect and love. Cherish. I find it sad that you are far more concerned with getting into a woman's panties than you are with your own children. I have nothing but anger for you because you chose to hurt my children. Shame on you. I hope that you one day will open your eyes and see just what you have thrown to the wayside. I just hope you realize it before the last tenuous thread that is left, breaks. You are losing the one thing in your life that should mean the most to you. Your children. Yes they love you but right now, they also hate you. I can't say that I blame them either.






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I knew it was coming

 Yes, I knew it was coming. I saw it before it happened. And just as I saw it beforehand, it happened exactly the way I thought it would. Be warned that the language contained in this particular post is not tempered nor polite.

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My ex's wife sent a series of emails. Further proving she is a heartless bitch that cares for no one but herself.  I am stunned that this woman has said and now in writing, that she doesn't give a damn about the children that her husband has. I find it shocking that this woman finds nothing wrong with the venom and toxic  bullshit that she spews to those children. MY children. The amount of hatred this woman has is astonishing. How can one woman be filled with so much hatred, so much venom, that she actively seeks to alienate and hurt someone else's children? How can someone do something like that? I find it astonishing and I am sitting here just shocked. I don't understand how one can have such a warped and twisted view that they find nothing wrong with being so toxic and venomous. The one thing I CAN say though....The bitch has picked the wrong family to target. I will not sit back and do nothing. I will not allow her to spread her toxicity and venom to my children. If she thinks that I will just stand back and let her treat my kids like this, she has another thing coming. I am just shocked. Shocked that she is such a selfish, ungrateful, self centered, egotistical, venomous, toxic bitch.  I'm...wow....I'm done. I have not sent a response to her emails and I will not do so. I am not going to do it. Not until I am calmer and thinking clearly. I do have to wonder though if my ex is even aware that she sent these emails. And if he IS aware of the hate mails, why is he allowing her to do this to his kids? Wow is all I can still manage hours later.

One proud mama

     I am one proud mama. As you know my daughter Elizabethe-Ane died 17 years ago. My daughter Cheyenne wrote a poem for Elizabethe-Ane in 2009-2010. That poem has been selected as a semi finalist in a world poetry contest. That poem has been selected for publication in a beautiful book that will be in The Library of Congress. Cheyenne didn't tell me she had submitted the poem until today. When a letter arrived saying that she is a semi finalist in a world poetry event that has a grand prize of 1000.00. The letter stated the poem will be published whether she wins or not.  I am so proud of my girl. I am proud to be her mother, her best friend. I have no words for the emotions I have right now. My daughter. My baby girl. I am blessed to be her mama.

I know what's coming

     After the explosive argument with my ex I sat down several hours later and wrote an email to him. And then I wrote one to his wife and forwarded a copy of the email in its entirety to him. I did that so that there is no way she can twist what I said. Should I have sent her an email? Probably not. But I needed closure for myself. I have walked away from the situation and voiced my own opinions of the entire situation. I chose to wait until I was calm and level headed to write both emails. If I had written them when I was angry, it would have made the situation much worse. Even now, it will probably result in an explosive backlash from his wife and possibly from him. For whatever reason his wife doesn't want him to have an amicable friendship with the mother of his children (i.e. Me). I can now say that I tried. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to maintain a positive atmosphere with her, for the sake of my kids. I can't do anything more. -shrugs- What more does she want? She doesn't want my ex to have a viable relationship with his kids and she doesn't want him to have no contact with them either. So what the hell does she want? One or the other. Right?  Well, nothing more I can do. It is not my responsibility to make sure that he maintains a relationship with his kids.

Ex's are Ex's for a reason

  I really thought that my ex and I had reached a point where we could talk without arguing or getting angry. I was definitely wrong. I remarried 2 years ago and my ex remarried last year. Which is fantastic. The problem is, his wife is...well I have no words that could explain it in a nice way. All I can safely say is that she is definitely NOT about doing what is right for the kids. It came down to me telling my ex today that he needs to grow a pair and tell her that the kids come first. That it is NOT about her. I for the life of me, can not figure out what this woman thinks she is doing. Maybe it's just me but, I think that this is between me and my ex. She has nothing to do with it. Daniel stands on the sidelines and acknowledges that when it comes to serious issues that involve the kids, that I have to deal with my ex. He has never thrown a fit about it and he sure as hell hasn't interfered the way my ex's wife has and does. The conversation tonight ended with me telling my ex that he won't hear from me again. I told him that he is free to communicate with the kids, as he has always been free to do. I have not kept him from talking to them or seeing them. But I made it very clear that  it is his responsibility to maintain a relationship with the kids. That is no longer my job. It is not my responsibility. He is a grown man and he needs to hold himself accountable for his actions. While I don't really care if his wife likes me or not, I do care about whether she makes things hard for my children. I told him I will NOT tolerate another phone call from her screaming and yelling, making my kids feel like crap. I told him, I will not allow it. I am done dealing with her.  I am so angry right now that I can't think straight.

Yes, she lives =)

 I promise, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I know that I have been pretty scarce this week. I have been down with a migraine, and my Lupus is out of remission right now. As a result, I have days that I can't get up because of the pain. This week has just been one of those weeks. I really try to limit having to take the Prednisone and other steroids when it comes out of remission. My body doesn't handle steroids too well.  I just wanted to touch base and let you guys know that I am still here. Just dealing with a lot right now.

Bullying

   We all know what bullying is. I am sure at some point in our lives we have been the target of it. Whether it was as a child, a teen or as an adult. We all know what it feels like. Bullies have been making headlines in the past few months for one reason or another. It's obvious that it has become one of the biggest problems in schools lately. I am not sure how to even begin to understand the bully mentality. I was bullied in Jr. High for a time. It was horrible. And now two of my children are being bullied in school. It's been an ongoing issue for about a year or so now. At first I didn't know it was bullying that was causing the emotional ups and downs that Hunter and Liam were displaying. I thought that they were just going through the typical phases that kids go through with their emotions. And then they started not wanting to go to school. I talked to the boys and they just kind of clammed up. For the most part I'd say. hunter and Liam started becoming aggressive and were being mean to their sisters. It was constant hitting, kicking, biting. You get the idea. The first thought that comes to mind is sibling rivalry right? That's what I thought. I tried everything I could to stop it. Finally it just became too much and I sat them down and asked them what was going on. It took about an hour to get them to tell me what was going on. They opened up and told me they were being bullied at school. Not just by one or two people either. It was more like 6 or 7 kids that were doing it. I got names and went to the school about it. This was before Christmas. I was told that it would be addressed and handled . Apparently, it wasn't handled. It came to our attention last week that they boys were still being bullied. Seems only a few of the kids involved had stopped. Daniel went straight to the principal and brought it to his attention that it was still going on. Can you believe the principal told Daniel that he never spoke to me about this issue. Um  riiiiiiight. Daniel said seriously? You don't remember my wife coming in here just before Christmas? He went on to say "I find it hard to believe you don't remember my wife coming in here with her ex and his wife." The principal said that I never came in to see him. Daniel said hmm, that's strange because everyone in this office remembers that day. Everyone in the office remembers the day quite vividly. The day in question I showed up at the school and was told the principal didn't want to talk to me. At that point i told the receptionist that I didn't care if he didn't WANT to talk to me. That as principal of the school it was his JOB to deal with upset parents. And that he was going to do his damn job. Needless to say he DID talk to me that day. Now, back to what I was saying.  Daniel spoke to the principal and made him aware that the bullying was still going on. Essentially he was told it would be handled again. Somehow, I'm not holding my breath. I will give them a little time to deal with it but after that, I'll go to the school board and look into filing charges. I am not going to stand by and let these kids continue to bully my boys. It's not simple name calling either. It's hitting, punching, kicking. It's gone far enough. So it looks like I will be sitting down with the school board soon if this doesn't stop.

Moody Monday

  Definitely not a good start to the week. Checked the date for some forms that need to be turned in. Thought we had until mid-Feb. to get them in. Nope, they were due January 19th.....-sigh-. Go to get some coffee and the pot is on but empty -glares at son and husband- Nice of them to turn the pot off when it was empty. Or better yet, nice of them to make a fresh pot eh? I finally get coffee, laundry into the dryer and sit down to watch some movies when my Live messenger disconnects. Ok, no big deal. It does it fairly often for whatever reason. Well, it didn't reconnect. I look and notice my network icon shows only my local connection. Time to go investigate the router and modem. I get out there and notice the modem has zero lights on. Ok it's probably just unplugged. Ummmm, no. I look down and see that the cord has been chewed. -glares at the cats and puppies- Ok calm down you have a box full of extra power supplies just for emergencies. Ummm yeah, the box is nowhere to be found. Seriously? Really? How does a box full of extra power supplies, just sprout legs and walk off? Daniel get's up and asks what Dakota and I are searching for. He walks out to the barn and opens the door to be greeted with a huge, disastrous....mess. Apparently Hunter and Liam thought it was a grand idea to go into the barn and disorganize every single box I had stored in there. Nothing was in boxes or bags anymore. They had taken every single thing and tossed it allover the place. Looks like two little boys I know will be cleaning up the mess they made tomorrow. Luckily we managed to find ONE of the extra power supplies in the midst of the grand mess they had made. It's going to suck royally to clean that mess up. All my papers, books, cords, everything.....is strung all over the barn.  Looks like my Monday, will definitely be a Moody Monday.

{ insert witty title here... }

    It's been a long weekend for me. The kids have driven me insane, which is normal. Between not feeling good and staring at a house that needs to be scrubbed wall to wall, floor to floor, north to south and east to west...I feel blah. I guess today is my clean day. Time to get all the laundry done again and to scrub some floors and walls. It's not that I dislike cleaning because I don't. It's the fact that once it's clean, the kids seem to mess it up within an hour. If that. It's frustrating when they just toss their things anywhere they please. There was a time when I didn't have to tell them more than twice, maybe three times to pick up their mess. Lately it seems as though I have to repeat myself over and over. It's like listening to a broken record for days on end it seems. I just feel defeated right now. I know it will pass. It always does. It's just one of those days where you feel frustrated and irritated. Maybe it's because I haven't had but 2 hours of sleep today. I don't know. I just know that I hate feeling like this.

     One of our hens got out of the pen and we had to chase her down. Bastet thought it was humorous to go under the house and then under the barn. Seriously? Really? She gave me the evil eye once we caught her and I put her back in the coop. I don't think she was very happy with me. Arcaedaen got his tail too close to Illarian's pen and of course Illarian took the opportunity to nip it. Somehow, I think Arcaedaen figured out fairly quick that you don't get too close to the goose. He screeched and took off like no other. Meanwhile Illarian stood there and honked at him. Quack, honk, whatever you want to call it when a goose makes noise. It was amusing to watch. I warned Arcaedaen to not get too close. But the cat was curious and he paid for that curiosity lol. I don't think he will be going near Illarian again anytime soon. It makes me wonder how amusing it will be once we finish fencing in the front yard. Because after it's finished being fenced in, I will let Illarian roam. I suspect that we will see fewer stray cats in the yard. Now if only we could keep the stray dogs out. I swear, I think our dogs send secret messages to all the strays  that says "Come to our house. You will like it here". If I ever catch them sending that secret message, I'll suspend their crayon rights. -snicker snort-

     Cookie Smack tries to get out of the house from time to time and his escape plan is always thwarted by Cherokee. Boy is she protective of her cat. If cats could talk I'm sure he'd be cussing her out. Carsten and D'Alarian will sit at the end of my bed and "talk" to me. They will bark or "talk" as I call it and wait for me to respond. I find it entertaining. They "talk", I say "yeah? She did what?" and they will "talk" back. When they are done "talking" they go on their merry way. Bella is slowly losing her "panda" look. She's still a chubby little puppy but doesn't resemble a fat little panda cub anymore. For the most part that is. Elle's puppies are growing like weeds. They are about 2 1/2 weeks old now and adorable as can be. I suppose I should go finish cleaning. it isn't going to clean itself. Send me a maid will you?

Mad Hatter Friday is here!!

It's Mad Hatter Friday! So what do you have planned for your Mad Hatter Friday? Drinks with friends? A movie and popcorn? Or will you just cuddle up with a good book?

Personally, I am cuddling up on my bed with my laptop and Netflix. I am currently watching the series Stargate Universe. I love love love sci fi flicks. But then I am a big horror movie buff too. So my plans for Mad Hatter Friday are to relax and enjoy some shows. How about you? Link up and share your Mad Hatter Friday moments =)

Newest members of our little "farm"

 So we have what we call our "little farm". Not really a farm but more than what city residents have. We have about 3 acres and I love it. In 2010 Chenoa tended to and hatched an egg at school. She was allowed to bring the chick home and we have raised her. Nefertiti is a Rhode Island Red hen that has been with us since she was conceived and we didn't like the idea of her being a solitary chicken. Our brood expanded to encompass a total of 7 hens and a rooster. Ra is our Rhode Island Red rooster. The hens are Nefertiti, Cleopatra, Bastet, Maat, Isis, Nephthys and Shu. And now we have gained a goose whom we have named Illarian. I am still on the hunt for a couple of goats. I have been looking for sometime now for at least 2 females and 1 male. I prefer Nebuian and Saanen goats for my dairy goats. I'll try and get some pictures of our chickens and goose for the blog if I can.

Losing a Child { Part III }: Losing a child through miscarriage

We've talked about losing a child. The pain. The memories. And we've talked about what others can do for a mother who has lost a child.  I want to talk about losing a child through miscarriage now. It will help you to understand the differences and the similarities. As well as the things that are present in both situations.

Part III - Losing a child during the pregnancy:

 This is yet another situation that I can relate to 100%. After Elizabethe-Ane died I never really gave it any thought that I could lose another child. It never crossed my mind. When I got pregnant again, it was twins again. Let me explain first that I have been pregnant with twins 6 times and triplets once. I suffered infertility issues from the start. It took me quite some time to get pregnant with my first child. By the time I got pregnant with Cherokee I was used to the problems that come with having infertility and then later secondary infertility. I had been on Metrodin for a bit by then. The first series of ultrasounds showed twins. Each with a heartbeat. I wasn't prepared to learn that just a week after learning it was twins (learned at a very early stage of the pregnancy) that I would lose one. I mourned the loss of that child and went on to have a beautiful little girl. And still again, I didn't give it much thought that it could happen again. I ended up having 13 miscarriages. Yes, 13. Yes, that's a lot. But in the grand scheme of things, it's part of infertility and secondary infertility. It doesn't make it hurt any less. After 6 back to back miscarriages I was put through what seemed like a million tests. We learned I had Lupus. SLE Lupus. Somehow it had managed to go undetected when I went through all the Infertility testing prior. Losing a child by way of miscarriage can and often is, just as painful as losing a child that you have given birth to and held. The emotions are pretty much the same. The one difference is that with a miscarriage you tend to heal faster. But that doesn't make it any easier to handle. The grieving process is often the same. Like I have said before, losing a child is always a hard pill to swallow. And it throws us off the track every time it happens. We often become bitter and angry for awhile. We tend to experience moments of jealousy when we see another that has what we want so desperately. We feel angry with all those who don't want children, seem to have them and then throw them away, abuse them or even worse...murder them. That bitterness is present in both categories of losing a child. Just as the pain is.

Resources for coping with a miscarriage:

Hope exchange
American Pregnancy: supporting friends and family during a miscarriage
Miscarriage Support
Silent Grief
MEND
Honored Babies

Those are but a few of the resources that are available to help cope with the loss. Talking about the loss is imperative to healing and learning to live again. If you keep it contained behind a thousand walls, it will fester and grow into this darkness that eventually rules your life.  That darkness taints everything it touches. Everything it comes into contact with. Don't allow it to win. Don't allow it to take over you and your life.

Seven things about me

 i have been trying to think of 7 things about me ever since I received the Versatile Blogger award. man that's a hard one.

1- I am a photographer and graphics artist by profession. I own my studio
2- I have just as many, if not more pets as I do children. For what it's worth, I have 11 children. Several of which are adopted.
3- I dealt with Infertility & secondary Infertility in addition to 13 miscarriages and losing a daughter after birth.
4- I have an obsession with Tinkerbell, Dragons,Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and  Steampunk items
5- I am equally obsessed with unique and different names. Names that I generally create for the books I am currently writing on. For the last 20 years LOL
6- I am Native American. And proud of it.
7- I don't like gold or diamonds. No really. I don't. I love sterling silver and darker gems. My favorite is the African Blood garnet. I was tickled to pieces when my husband got me a 7.5 carat African Blood Garnet as an engagement ring. It's Emerald Princess cut set in sterling silver that has etching on each corner of the setting. I love silver and darker gems.

Losing a child {Part II}

 I previously talked about my daughter's death and the fact that I wasn't able to properly grieve for her. I want to  take a moment now and talk about the emotions and initial shocks that come with losing a child.

  As we have said before, losing a child is never easy. It's a very emotional and shocking moment. When you lose a child you become a passenger on a rollercoaster of emotions that you have no way off. There is no set right emotion or wrong emotion. It's inevitably such a vast myriad of emotions that you bounce around like a ping pong ball in a box.

  We all know that the first emotion is usually shock. The shock factor is what "numbs" you. It is the numbing agent that encompasses you completely. It is what pushes you through the days and nights like a robot, a zombie. That shock never leaves completely. Not in the days or years that follow. There will always be a remnant of that initial shock. One that is burned into your memory for the rest of your life. It's a thread that will be touched ever so often as time wears on. One of my first thoughts was "This isn't happening. It's not real. It's a dream, a nightmare. I'll wake up and it will all just go away." I think that's the most common thought hits us first when we are faced with the death of someone we love.  It's normal. It's natural. It's our brain's way of protecting us without shutting down the body. If it wasn't for the shock, I probably would have ended it all right there. But that shock is what kept me thinking somewhat rationally, if you can even say I was rational at that point. The initial shock gives way to a longer lasting shock that is more mild. It settles into the back of the mind and is what throws up that first wall that we all put up when something like that happens (in my opinion anyhow). We tend to hold onto the shock with a death grip, even though we don't realize that's what we are doing at the time.

   Generally the second emotion that follows is denial. It furthers the effects of the initial shock. The whole "This isn't happening", "It's a dream/nightmare" carries over from the initial shock emotion. There will be times that we refuse to believe it. We struggle in the fight between our mind and our heart. It took me months before I finally surrendered to the battle with denial and realized it wasn't a dream. That it wasn't something that was happening to someone else. It was happening to me. Denial like shock, is a normal part of the emotions we face when faced with a death. Like shock, it serves as a way of trying to protect our psyche, our heart, our sanity. Sometimes the denial can be so overwhelming that a person gives in to the denial and can no longer see reality. There is a healthy amount of denial and then there is the dangerous level of denial. It is important that those around us know to step in when they see the denial reaching a level that will cause one to lose their connection with reality.

  I'd have to say that the third emotion is (for me that is) sadness and uncontrollable crying. I became so depressed that I cried over simple things. Things like a piece of lint on the floor. Or my cat sitting in the window. I never knew what would trigger hours of crying. It's different for each person so there is no set way to deal with it. Each person experiences things differently. What I may experience is different than what another mother may experience. It's similar to PTSD and PPD in my opinion. In the years since Elizabethe-Ane's death I have comforted many mothers who have lost a child. And each situation was different. But the one thing I have never changed is the fact that I always hold the mother and let them cry. I make sure that they know I can relate to their emotions. That I have been right where they are. I try to let them know that i know exactly what they are feeling because I have felt it. The downside is that it reopens the wound for me. But I do it anyway. It helps me as much as it does them. It's a never ending recovery to be honest. You will never recover from the blow that is dealt when your child dies.

  The rest of the emotions that follow the initial ones, just tend to ebb and flow on their own. There are no magic words that can be said to ease the pain that they cause. By the time one gets to the point of "accepting" the loss, the guilt comes back and you then feel guilty that you are starting to accept the child's death. It's called survivors guilt. You feel so afraid that you will forget. There will never be a moment after the loss where you don't think about your child. Don't be afraid that you will forget her/him or that you will stop thinking about them on a day to day basis. Please believe me when I say that you won't forget, that you won't stop thinking about her/him. You are her/his mother/father. You will never forget them. You will always think about them. It's natural. Don't allow that fear in. That fear has no place in your mind nor your life. It wants to do nothing but break you down.

  One of the ways I cope to this day is I plant roses every year. I release balloons with Elizabethe-Ane's name, birth date, death date and a simple I love you and miss you. You will always be my daughter. And I write. And write. And write...I have found that writing helps me manage the emotions that I have even now, 17 years later. Everyone told me that time heals all. That the pain lessens with time. I said then and I say now, that's a lie. The pain doesn't lessen. We just find ways to manage it. Time doesn't heal all. We learn to live with it. Time is a endless ocean. An ocean that we follow the ebb and flow of.

What not to say to a grieving parent:
- Don't tell them that time lessens the pain. It doesn't
- Don't tell them it happened for a reason. We don't want a reason.
- Don't tell them they will be back to their old self. They will never be who they were prior to the loss.
- Don't tell them it was meant to be. All they want is their child back.
- Don't tell them there will be other children to love. Another child will never replace the one they lost.
- Don't tell them that at least they had time with the child for a small time. They want another moment in time.
- Don't tell them to get over it. They will never be over it.

What to say to a grieving parent:
- I am sorry for your loss. They will appreciate it.
- I am here to comfort you the best I can. They need to know you are there.
- I may not understand the depth of your pain but I understand you are hurting. They need to hear it.
- I can not say I understand what it's like to lose a child but I can try to understand. They want that attempt.
- I know what it's like to lose a child, I have been there. I promise to hold you when you can no longer hold yourself. Those words, that understanding...it's a bond they desperately need. (This is for ones who have lost a child and understand exactly what the pain is like)


What you can DO for a grieving parent:
- Let them talk about the child.
- Let them cry and scream until they feel it's enough.
- Let them lean on you when they need to.
- Help them with daily tasks. They won't be up to it for the first week or so.
- Be there for them. Be a friend. Be a source of comfort and solace. Be a place they can go when they need to.

You don't ever get past the pain that losing a child causes. You just learn to live with it. There will always be little things that will trigger the pain to come bubbling to the surface again. It's inevitable. Don't try to bury the pain. That just makes it hurt more than it has to. Develop a support system. Surround the grieving parents with the love and support they need. In 2005 there was a dedication to Elizabethe-Ane's memory. My sis Nicole (she's a contributor to Inside an Insane Mind btw) gave birth to her 3rd child, my niece Megan. Nicole gave Megan Elizabethe- Ane's first name as her middle name. She named my niece Megan Elizabeth. I can not tell you how that impacted me. It was overwhelming. Megan, who I affectionately call Nutmeg and Monkey, was born with the same birthmark Elizabethe-Ane had. Sis and I both like to think Elizabethe-Ane kissed Monkey   during her birth journey. It helps me cope with Elizabethe-ane's death in a good way. Amazing how small things like that happen isn't it?

It's Wackazoodle Wednesday!!!

 Ok guys and gals, it is officially Wackazoodle Wednesday. Over the hump day. Middle of the week. Whatever you want to call it. Let's get wacky and have some laughs. =)

  I have had a pretty quiet week aside from a letter from the IRS. -gulp- It's always terrifying when you open your mailbox and find a letter from the IRS staring you in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad. Whew! For my Wackazoodle Wednesday I am just going to clean the house and then....have a nice cup of cocoa and vegetate with Netflix or Hulu for a bit.  What are wacky things are YOU doing to celebrate getting 1/2 way thru another week?

Losing a child

  I know what it's like to lose a child. I know what it feels like to have your whole world spiral out of control with emotions. I know what it feels like to walk around in a haze. Feeling numb. Thinking there is no way that it is happening. I know what it's like to want just "one more moment" with that child. I have been there. I have lived it. You see, 17 years ago I lost my 2nd daughter, Elizabethe-Ane . I remember feeling so numb. So out of sorts. I can remember hearing a beast like howl, only to realize that howl...was coming from me. Losing a child is without a doubt, the most horrifying and crippling emotion for a parent. We feel like we are standing in a circular room just watching it spin around us. Reaching out to grasp some modicum of understanding. It sends us reeling head over heels with no brakes to stop us. Or it is the opposite and we are suddenly at a screeching halt with everything moving in slow motion. Moments in time just frozen as we look around and walk through it as if in a dream state. I am going to confidently say that anyone who has lost a child, will be the first ones to say "Yes, it's a surreal moment", one that seems like it is never ending. I found myself  "stuck" in my own surreal moment when Elizabethe-Ane died.  I had no idea how to handle it, no clue where to even begin. I felt like crawling into a dark corner and staying there. I didn't have a true support system, let alone one that knew to bring me out of the darkness that I had began to sink into. The first two years following Elizabethe-Ane's death were filled with depression and darkness for me. That in itself was not good. I had 2 children to care for at that point. My daughter Chey and my son Dakota, who was Elizabethe-Ane's twin brother. I wasn't grieving. Instead I put on a face and threw up a wall. No, that's not true. I threw up a thousand walls. I became withdrawn and started closing myself off from everyone but my babies. There are many reasons as to why my grieving process was never "complete". It didn't even come close being "complete" until October 2009. Prior to that, I had very little in the way of support as I said, and I couldn't even speak her name without breaking down into a total heap of emotions and tears. By the time 2009 rolled around it had been 15 years since Elizabethe-Ane's death. Yes you read that right, 15 years. I spent 15 years not grieving completely. The biggest cause for my broken grieving process was my ex husband. When Elizabethe-Ane died he refused to come to the hospital. He refused to acknowledge her period. Every time I would try to talk about her, I was shut down and told I wasn't allowed to mention her. Don't tell me that's how some men handle the loss of a child. Because that was NOT it. My ex didn't acknowledge my daughter by choice. I was denied my grief. Plain and simple. For the first 2 years I was told "It happened for a reason", "It was meant to be", or "Get over it, "it" was just a fetus". Seriously? Really? She was 24 weeks gestation! Well within the viability range. But even so, I firmly believe a child is a child at the moment of conception. Don't tell me I should feel lucky that she died early on. That's just plain cruel to say to a mother who has lost her child. There are just some things that you shouldn't ever say to a mother or father that has lost a child. And that is just one of the many things you just don't say. There is nothing more painful than having to say goodbye to your child, knowing that you will never see them again. At least not in any earthly form. When the 15th anniversary of Elizabethe-Ane's death came in 2009, I did what I had been doing for years by then. I wrote a letter to her. I shared that letter on my private blog that year. The responses were overwhelming, with the exception of one. My ex husband had commented on the blog entry. I was stunned. I was angry. So very angry. A man who refused to acknowledge my child, suddenly wants to say he misses her. I admit I lashed out and it wasn't nice or pretty. All the anger I had kept locked up for years, came pouring out. The wall that had contained it didn't just crack slowly. It shattered and fast. He was in my eyes, trying to horn in on MY memories of my daughter. My grief. My sorrow. My loss. I say "my" because prior to that he had NO interest in even claiming her as his child. That year was also the year that Daniel spent hours consoling me. Until the wee hours of the morning as the sun crept up over the horizon. I cried until I could cry no more. I cried and screamed until i had no voice. After 15 years I was finally allowed to start my grieving process. Daniel made that possible. He wanted to know everything he could about Elizabethe-Ane. What color her eyes were. Her hair. Her fingers and toes. How sweet she smelled. How beautiful I found her to be. Her whispers of sweet baby breath. He wanted to feel my emotions when I held her for the last time in her short life. He wanted to know this child that never had a chance in this world. Daniel comforted me, held me and let me talk about her. Here was this man (who is now my husband, we married less than 30 days after the anniversary) who had no ties to Elizabethe-Ane and he viewed her as HIS child. His daughter. He grieved with me. Daniel has become a advocate, a voice, for other parents who have lost a child. He has made Elizabethe-Ane his. His loss. His sorrow. His joy. When my ex saw this he came to me and said (in front of about 8 people) that NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE was allowed to comfort me (in regards to my daughter's death) except him. I went off the deep end. I spun around on him and got nose to nose, toe to toe and told h im he doesn't have that right anymore. He doesn't have the right to tell me how I can grieve and who can comfort me. I was furious. I was angrier than I had ever been. It was that night that I told him he lost the right to have any say on Elizabethe-Ane. Yes I was cruel. I told him as her biological father, that he has no rights to her in death or in life. I was the one who carried her. I was the one who held her as she took her last breath. I was the one who looked into her eyes and whispered "It's okay to let go, Mama understands and I will always have you in my heart". It was me who was by her side every moment of her short life. It was me who went numb when she developed a Grade 4 brain bleed.  It was me who had to put her name on a death certificate.  It was me who was given the decision of either letting her stay on life support and suffer the rest of her life (her quality of life would have been very bad) or let them stop life support and let her go. It was me who made the decision to let her go as she had suffered too much already. As far as I was concerned, he gave up any right to her the moment he decided that she was not worthy of being his child.  Since that night in 2009, I have come a long long way in terms of grieving her death. And it is because of Daniel and my living children that I have been able to start accepting that it wasn't anything I did that led to her premature birth, or her short life. 2011 marked 17 years since her death and last year I wrote another letter to her. Same letter every year with a new lesson learned added to it. Every year that passes, every day, every moment, I learn something new. I learn a lesson that losing my daughter has taught me. The biggest lesson I learned was that no matter what we do, we are not the ones in control of fate. We never will be. We have to learn to forgive in order to be forgiven. We have to forgive ourselves before we can expect anyone else to forgive us. I blamed myself for Elizabethe-Ane's early birth and then her death. I blamed myself for not trying harder to save her. I blamed my body for failing her during the pregnancy. Not once have I ever blamed her twin brother. It has always been blaming myself. I know I did everything I could. I know I did everything right. But that doesn't change survivors guilt. No parent should outlive their child. Ever. Losing a child is a pain that is unimaginable by those who have never been thru it. They try to understand but the reality is that unless they have been thru it, they might not be able to fully grasp it.  My daughter's death became the driving force behind my photography. It has driven me to give other parents what I was never given. Memories of their child. Memories they can look back on in the form of photographs and see that their child is not forgotten.
The best thing you can do for someone who has lost a child, is be there for them.
- Don't tell them it happened for a reason.
-Don't try to change the subject when they start talking about the child. Let them talk.
-Don't tell them things will get better and back to normal. They will never be the same, ever again. Nothing will ever be "normal" again.
-Do ask them to share memories with you. Ask them to share their grief with you. Let them cry as you hold them.
-Dry those tears and show them that if you could, you would take their pain. Those little things, aren't so little to a grieving parent. Those little things, are the important things to a grieving parent.

 Losing Elizabethe-Ane is why I am who I am today. She taught me so much in her short life. She taught me how to love unconditionally. How to forgive. She taught me to live life and reach for my dreams. She will always be my little whisper of dreams. My angel's wings. She is...my daughter.

I Love you - Sarah Mclachlan

Wordless Wednesday