Another year....has come and gone

Behind the mask, lies tears of pain.....

Another day...another year. Every moment has been counted and documented in my mind. Every second locked up in my heart, in that special place that only you will ever hold the key to. Anger, sorrow, tears, broken, emptiness but yet a smile creeps in at times, a smile that comes with the knowledge that you are watching over me, protecting that special place within me.

Every image I have of you in my mind, I treasure and cherish even more each time I go thru them. Thoughts that consume me at times, give me solace that I briefly, for a moment.... held an angel. I can't deny that it hurts, because it does...greatly. No mother should ever have to feel the pain that I do every year in October. Its a pain that is beyond imaginable for those who have never had to let go of their child. They try to understand, but can't quite do so. I would and could never wish this pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy. Its crushing. At times it makes you feel like you can't breathe. Everyone told me that as time slipped on, that the pain would lessen, that I'd be able to accept the fact that you were gone. How very wrong they were. That pain....never lessened. Its still as strong today as it was that fateful day that I lost you.

Sometimes, I sit in the darkness, alone...and think about you. I think about everything that should have been. I think about what it would have been like to watch you take your first steps, hear you say Mama, watch you smile...to dry your tears when you were hurt....But I will never know because you were taken from me and given wings to fly....before I ever got the chance to see any of it.

I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming and I loved you the moment you slipped away and passed on. Not many can say they have seen an angel...but I can say.....I held one briefly. And I cherish each moment I had with you.

Fifteen long years will have passed since you died, come October 24th. Fifteen years without my little girl, fifteen years without being able to see you, hold you, comfort you. In those fifteen years, I have thought of you daily, wished that you were here...daily. In those fifteen years I have learned fifteen things about myself that center around losing you.
1- I learned to forgive.
2- I learned to live.
3- I learned what passion was.
4- I learned what it was like to lose something so precious.
5- I learned to give all that I have when I do things.
6- I learned to GIVE chances.
7- I learned to TAKE chances.
8. I learned to let go of certain things.
9- I learned what makes me stronger.
10- I learned to help others.
11- I learned to accept others.
12- I learned that not everything is in our control.
13- I learned that life can often times be cruel.
14- I learned that when we learn to love another, so completely, without abandon, no fear, for who they are, not what or who we want them to be....That we can get thru anything in life. That it makes us a better person. I learned to not be selfish and condemming of others. I learned that no matter what others think of me, that its what I think of myself that matters the most. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can expect others to forgive us. We have to learn to LOVE ourselves before we can even begin to expect someone else to love us for WHO and WHAT we are. There are things in life that we have no control over and nothing we do will change that. I learned that while we may not agree with it, nor want to accept it, its just how fate works, its just how it is.
and the biggest lesson I learned.....
15-I have learned to cherish every moment, every chance, every breath, every dream. I learned to cherish every touch, every person who comes into my life. I learned to give my heart and soul to another and cherish the one who holds them.

I will go thru my life with my angel in my heart. I will always remember the brief moments I held you, however brief they were...you left footprints in my heart that will never fade.

I love you Elizabethe-Ane Maree....and remember that mama has never let others forget who you are and who you were to ME.