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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

October is upon us again.....





October has come upon us again....sneaking in quietly and gently. This year October is cold and the weather has changed sooner than usual. Solitary thoughts elude me this time. Moments of solace and quiet are nowhere to be found. dreams and visions of what should have been haunt me more than usual. I see her standing there, smile upon her face, wings spread fully.....ready to embrace and comfort. I find the tears cloud my eyes, and memories of her flood my mind. A breeze, a kiss...a dream, a touch...she haunts my memories, my heart, my soul....every image in my mind is of her. i can feel her breathing and whispering upon my ear. I remember every moment of that day, every emotion, every thought. Even now I am still searching for the reasons and the why of it all. Even now I can't make any sense of it, or understand it. I try so hard to understand it, to be at peace with it. I can't seem to do so. Every year I find myself spiraling during the month of October, makes me feel out of control and lost. Why me? Why my little girl? Why was she chosen to become an angel before she had even lived her life? I have so many questions that remain unanswered 15 yrs later. I realize I may never get the answers that I seek but I can still search for them and hope. I miss her every day of my life, every moment. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about her.

Thoughts swirl thru my mind randomly, triggering memories and emotions that I thought I had buried long ago. Maybe one day i can rest my head in peace and accept the fact that she is gone. Its been 15 yrs since that fateful day....yes I have counted, right down to the moments. I have counted every moment, every empty space, every memory has been documented in my mind. I always tell myself that things are okay that its normal to grieve....for 15 yrs. No mother should ever outlive their child....ever. Its not natural, and it sure as hell is not normal. Am I a freak? Am I not "normal" simply because i still mourn the loss of my daughter, 15 yrs later? I relive every moment, every heart breaking second, as if it were fresh and new. I feel exhausted, I feel.....lost and a part of my heart is empty without her in my life. Haunted dreams and memories are no fun to live with, trust me when I say that. Even now I cry myself to sleep....simply because I miss her so much and its not fair in any sense that I have to live without her. Its not fair that she didn't get the chance to grow up and become a beautiful young woman. Those who have never lost a child, can't understand, but some do TRY. I admire those who try to understand my pain, my grief, my sensitivity. I really do and I appreciate it to the deepest depths of my black heart. Am I jaded? I suppose I am when it comes to a child loss. Its heartbreaking in every sense of the word. Its a pain that is deep and spirals you out of control. You forget how to keep your emotions in check and have to relearn how to do so all over again.

-To be continued-

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