In March 2010 I was faced with a situation that at the time, sent my world spinning out of control. I remember feeling so helpless and so distraught. I am going to share a journal entry that I wrote during that time.
March 17,2010-Sometimes life isn't fair. Last week my 7yr old son was diagnosed with a heart problem. The exact diagnosis isn't known at this time, as he is undergoing tests and will see the pediatric cardiologist sometime soon. It's a devastating blow to any parent. And my world is in slow motion right now as a result. How does a parent prepare for something like this? Simple...you don't. It hits you out of left field every time. Causing your world to come to a crashing halt and spin in slow motion until you have answers. Those answers always seem to be slow in coming. And while you wait...your mind goes into imagination over drive. You feel stuck in a world of nightmares, in which you have no control. It is one of the worst feelings a parent can have. How do you deal with it? Sometimes...you don't. maybe I am being selfish, but it's how I feel. No parent should have to deal with it. It's not fair and no matter how I try to accept it, I still come back to it being...not fair. My children are my world, my life. My son didn't deserve whatever heart problem it is, that they think he has. He's still a baby. MY baby.
I've come to the conclusion that once again, life is not always fair. No matter what good you do in it, there will always be a time when no matter how good you are to others...that you will face something that will turn your entire world upside down, inside out and flip it all around. Especially when it involves your child. Life is not always fair. I hate that it is not, because so many do so much good and still get the crap end of the stick.
No it's not a pity party I'm having for myself. What you are seeing right now, is a mother...a mother who's world has stopped spinning at the normal rate. A mother who is beyond herself with worry and doesn't know how to handle it. You are seeing a mother's natural reaction to a life changing event, life changing news. How else is a mother supposed to react? Don't answer that, as i know there are mothers out there that don't give a damn about their children. Well I am not one of them. I will give my very life, the very breath I draw upon...for my children.
Being a mother is a never ending position. We don't get a break from motherhood. Our job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. From the moment we conceive that child, to the day we draw our last breath. We are...a mother. We are not given an instruction manual, nor an off switch. our job as a mother is forever and always. It saddens me that so many mothers don't see nor understand that. Until something happens and they no longer have what they were blessed with. To the mothers out there that take their children for granted...WAKE UP!! LOOK AT THE TREASURE YOU HAVE IN YOUR HANDS, YOUR LIFE!!!
January 11, 2012-
In the end my son was tested, poked and prodded. And had NO heart problems. It was eventually determined that the EKG machine that was used initially, had malfunctioned. But for the moments I had no answers, my world ceased to exist as i knew it. I have already had to bury one child. It is a pain that you never forget. A pain that never leaves you. No parent should have to feel that kind of pain. A parent is not supposed to outlive their child(ren).
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