Touchy subject

 All too often we see marriages fall by the wayside. The divorce rate has steadily climbed over the years. Anymore people go into marriage with the mindset that if it doesn't "work", that they can just divorce. That's not the answer. It takes more than the occasional "pruning" and "loving touch" to make a marriage work. It's not something you can just toss onto the shelf and then take it down and dust it off when you feel like it. Marriage requires work every single day. It's a delicate balance of give and take. Compromise. If you enter into your marriage with the mindset that you can always just divorce if things don't go your way, or work the way you want them to...then your marriage is being set up to fail from the start. BUT, there are instances when divorce is a viable answer. I think that I can safely say that this proves to be true. You see, I have two divorces behind me. I am in my third marriage. However, this marriage is very different from my first two.
   When I married my first husband, I was 15 years old and he was 23. I was young and had all these ideal images of what married life was supposed to be like. The white picket fence, home in the country, children, the dog. I had it all laid out in my mind. I was married to my first husband for just over 15 years. Our divorce was finalized just 5 months before what would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. As I look back on that marriage, I see a lot of pain and a lot of misery that could have been prevented. The biggest downfall of that marriage was the fact that I was only 15 years old and I had no real idea what being married was about. The marriage was filled with verbal abuse, as well as mental and some physical abuse. I won't go into details about the abuse. But I will say that in hindsight, I would have been able to see the warning signs a lot quicker if I had not been just 15 years old. By the time that marriage ended in divorce i was just a shell of who I am today. The downfall of that marriage showed me what I didn't want in a life mate. And it showed me what I didn't want in terms of marriage. Looking back I can honestly tell you that my reasons for marrying was not for love. It was a means of "escape" from what I felt was a controlling and overbearing mother (who I can now say was not the evil mother I thought she was in my mind). I did not go into that marriage with the mindset of divorce. At that point I had no idea what divorce really was, nor how painful divorce can be. My divorce was rather nasty in terms of verbal abuse and an incident of physical abuse, that ended with a broken hand and permanent nerve damage to that hand. It took many years before my ex-husband and I could stand to talk to each other civilly, let alone be in the same room together. I harbored a lot of resentment and anger towards my ex. Some of which I still have today.  By the time my ex and I were on minimal speaking terms, I was remarried to another man.  I was proud of myself for going into the second marriage with what I thought was open eyes. How wrong I was. I was married to W for all of 18 months before that marriage ended in divorce. I beat myself up over that divorce. I was so angry with myself for being divorced what was now two times. I screamed at myself for putting myself into the position of having to even consider divorce, let alone be divorced. Twice. The marriage to W started out like a fairy tale. He courted me. He spoiled me. He did everything that a Prince Charming is expected to do. But the fairy tale started to unravel at a fairly fast speed, about 6 months into the marriage. Six months into the marriage I started suspecting that W wasn't all he said he was and I started suspecting that he was cheating on me. My first ex-husband (Who we will call B) lived across the street from me by then (that is a whole different story in itself. I don't recommend living across the street from your ex. Even if you have children together. Not likely to work.). At one point my first ex called me one afternoon and said he needed to talk to me. Of course, I was curious what he needed to talk to me about so I indulged him and listened. Imagine my shock when he handed me proof that my then husband was indeed keeping secrets from me. Being the skeptical person that I am. I confronted W with it. I gave him three separate chances to be honest with me. When he lied to me for the third time, I tossed printed records in his face. It was then that he came clean. We sat and talked about it. I thought things were slowly getting back on track after that. Again, how wrong I was. Eventually W moved out under the cover of night, and moved in with one of his mistresses. I called my daddy to talk to him about it and was shocked to learn that my suspicions that he was cheating on me...were right. Seems everyone knew he was stepping out and no one could bring themselves to tell me. Including my own family. I can understand why my parents didn't say anything though. My mother didn't want me to feel like she was controlling and trying to insert herself into my marriage. I was angry for awhile. Angry that they knew he was cheating on me. That they had PROOF. That they had him followed. And never said a word. In the end I was the one who filed for divorce. W had it in his head that he could stay married to me and be with his mistress too. Not happening. We went our separate ways and moved on. By then I was pretty "jaded" on marriage. Here I was with two divorces and a very shattered ideal of what marriage was supposed to be. Eventually I married Daniel. The best thing I ever did in terms of relationships and marriage. I finally understood what my parents meant when they said "Your husband/wife is supposed to be your best friend. Your soul mate. The one who you can't see yourself without.". When Daniel and I even considered just a relationship, I set clear boundaries and made sure he understood that I was not going to deal with another failed relationship or marriage. I didn't want to put myself, him or my kids through that crap again. We did get married and we both came into this marriage with the mindset that divorce is not an option. Divorce is not on the table. Ever. By taking that option out of our relationship and out of our minds, we set in place a clear plan to work any problems and issues out. It is not an option to not talk or communicate. We don't have the "perfect" marriage but no marriage is "perfect". Daniel and I have our disagreements but we always come through them. It saddens me that I have been divorced twice. I look back and think "Why the hell did I let that happen?", "Why didn't I prevent it?". I'll never have the answers to those questions. I do know that I learned a lot from those divorces. I learned that marriage is hard work. Marriage is not something that you can not work at. And I learned that once you take divorce out of the equation, you have no choice but to work the issues out. This is not to say divorce doesn't have its place and time. Because there is always a place and time for divorce. By no means should you stay in an abusive relationship. It's not healthy. Not at all. No woman and no man, should have to live with fear or abuse from the person that is supposed to love them. I just find it sad that divorce rates have gotten so very high in today's world. People are getting married with the thought that they can divorce on a whim. -shrugs- I'll hush now. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I own them. That's the difference. Divorce seems to be a touchy subject with some. At least I learned from my divorces. If I could go back and make it where I wasn't divorced twice....I probably would. I'd have married Daniel the first time around LOL

Desareì